


Whatever the F He Wants

by CreativeLiterature



Series: Bam-world [2]
Category: Jackass (Movies) RPF, Viva La Bam RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:21:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 28
Words: 22,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28403160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreativeLiterature/pseuds/CreativeLiterature
Summary: Behind the scenes of Bam Margera's Viva la Bam and beyond - with the addition of his sister - as told from certain POVs.
Relationships: Bam Margera/Jenn Rivell, Bam Margera/Missy Rothstein
Series: Bam-world [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2091168





	1. Prologue

_A/N: This is a work of fiction and didn’t happen. No libel or slander intended; no profit is being made. The events portrayed in this story are fictional and do not reflect on the actual people written about._

**PROLOGUE**

KATIE & MISSY

“You know, I’ve never quite liked her,” Katie told Missy, and looked around the school lot. “Did you see who she’s taking for prom? I can’t believe it. I wouldn’t _stand_ next to him, let alone go on a _date_ with him.”

“She’s being polite,” Missy scrunched her nose. “And they’re neighbors. If she said no, she’d have to say hi to him every day with a red face.”

“As red as her hair! Now tell me, who are you going with?”

“Oh, this guy,” Missy sighed. “But believe me, he’s no great stroke. I’ve been with him a year now, and he’s starting to get on my nerves.”

“You’ll get over him,” Katie nodded. “Once we go to college, we’re off. There’s no looking back. And we can leave _Westchester_ behind.”

“Somehow, I don’t think so,” Missy frowned. “I think Westchester will always be a part of our lives. It was for me, since I moved.”

“From Springfield, right?”

“Yes, during middle school. That’s when I met Jessica… “

“Well, I see her coming towards us. Don’t say anything. Promise?”

“Promise. Oh, she’s going a different way. Well, you’ll have to catch her at hometime.”

“When’s that?” Katie yawned. “And what class do you have next? I’m sick of my teacher… “

RAAB & BAM

“Yo, Bam,” Raab pushed out his feet from within the desk, to kick at the person sitting one up and to the side in the classroom. “Yo. Yo.”

Bam stared round blankly. “What?”

“You see her,” Raab put his tongue through his teeth. “Go on. Do it, I dare ya. Ask her.”

Bam glanced over to where Missy sat by the window, and smiled at something Katie said.

“Nah,” Bam shook his head and grinned. “She’s goin’ with somebody else.”

“Yo,” Raab switched topics. “You mind if I come over? My mum’s hosting a Tupperware party.”

“She’s hot,” Bam grinned, and crumpled to receive the loogie seconds later, and caused enough refrain for Missy and Katie to watch, giggling, as they were led out of the classroom.

APRIL & BAM

“Oh, no,” April opened the front door. “Get your feet off the dashboard. You can’t have Chris over. Do you know what his mom said to me? I can’t believe you. Why can’t you be more like Jess?”

“Yeah, right,” Bam rolled his eyes at his brother. “Speaking of - where’s Jessica?”

“She’s staying after school for a project,” April reversed out of the lot, and checked her mirrors. “Now _she’s_ on track. You watch. She’ll make something of herself, unlike her mother. Bam! Bam, put your feet down. You see we’re at a red light and I _know_ that woman in the car over - stop!”

PHIL & APRIL

“What trouble he get up to now?” Phil read his _Daily Local_.

“What else,” April chuckled. “It’s all hell breaks loose with him. And then he told - not asked - _told_ me Chris was coming over. Between Ryan and Brandon, he just gets all these ideas. You’ve seen him - he’s going out late at night to film doing shoppin’ carts.”

“What are they?” Phil rustled his paper.

“I don’t wanna know,” April held up a hand. “All I want is them safe and sound. But no, they have to act like jackasses. I’m tellin’ ya, Phil. I’ve had it up to here with him.”

BAM & RAAB

“Yo, I couldn’t get anything else,” Raab cast a glance, and stuck the hip flask in his tuxedo. “You see that chick I’m taking?”

“I’d take your mother,” Bam grinned. “I’m thinkin’ of bailing. Phil’ll never know.”

“Dude, you’ll get so slammed for it,” Raab nodded. “How much time we got?”

Bam pulled aside the curtain. “There he is, pulling up in his shit-ass car.”

“He lives next door,” Raab chuckled. “Why doesn’t he just walk over?”

Bam turned to Raab. “He told Phil he wanted to do it properly. What a scumbag!”

Bam and Raab got out the side door, and hid in the bushes. Quivering, they burst out as Hanna rang the doorbell, water pistols raised, and the front door opened.

Bam and Raab followed Hanna round the back of the house; his red face flushed by the time he got in through the side door, and within the safety of Phil.

“Calm it, guys,” Phil lowered his hand. “Jessie’s just upstairs. We don’t want to spoil her night.”

“C’mon,” Bam begged. “Look at him! He’s in a tux.”

“So are you two,” Phil pointed. “Where are your dates?”

“I’m meetin’ her later,” Raab cast a look to Bam. “And his got sick. Hey, you should take that chick who babysat you once.”

“Jenn?” Bam thought for a moment, and heard footsteps downstairs. “OK, Phil, trust me. Lemme take the photo.”

“Bam, outside,” Phil pointed, and held the camera. “Ape, wait for me! I’m comin’.”

HANNA & DICO

“You see half this crowd?” Dico swigged from a paper cup and sloshed it round his mouth. “Rake’s gonna love this. You’ve gotta remind me. He’s just found out he hates mustard. God I’ve gotta cash in on that.”

“You seen Jessie?” Hanna tugged at his collar.

“Nah, man. You’ve gotta relax! You see my girl? She says she thinks we’ll be together forever. I dunno, sounds cheesy, but whatever. You need to drink more.”

Hanna chuckled. “She’ll smell it on my breath.”

“What are you thinkin’ - “ Dico paused. “Bam’s sister? I mean, you had to know he’d prank you.”

“Least it’s nowhere you can see,” Hanna sniffed. “I know what I’m signing up for, believe me.”

“Do you?” Dico chuckled. “You know his name’s not Bam, right? His Pop-Pop called him Bam for runnin’ into walls. I figure he’ll only get crazier. Ape and Phil let him off the leash so much. Damn, I wish my parents let me that loose sometimes… “

Dico swished the remnants of his paper cup. Hanna looked wistfully towards the bathrooms.

“You see her?” Dico slapped him on the shoulder. “Go get ‘em, cowboy.”

KATIE & MISSY

“You have to admit,” Missy raised her eyebrows. “She does look happy.”

“But how?” Katie scowled. “Look how red _he_ is. Look how red her _hair_ is. Can’t she dye it? I swear, she and her brother could match in a line up. Nobody likes freckles. Can’t she get the message?”

“She dances good with him,” Missy lifted a finger, from where she clutched her paper cup. “You know my date’s gone off with the others. He doesn’t know it, but Bam’s gonna prank him.”

“Why?”

“Cos Bam was gonna ask me,” Missy threw back her drink. “I saw him just before home time lingering by the lockers. And when I walked past his table in the cafeteria, I overheard Gee telling him.”

“Not my Ryan?” Katie glanced. “Where is he?”

“Over with Bam, I suppose,” Missy shrugged. “He’s always got his camcorder. I swear, he’ll grow up to be one of those paparazzi and you can follow him outside celebrity houses.”

“I wish,” Katie folded her arms. “Nothing ever happens here. Westchester’s so boring. The last place any celebrity would want to come to is here.”

APRIL & PHIL

“He wasn’t there, Ape,” Phil puffed, closing the front door. “But he’s in good hands.”

“You know that’s not good enough,” April chided. “But it’ll have to be. It is their prom after all… but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Where’s Jess?”

“Well, he’s with his chick,” Phil opened the fridge. “But I don’t see it lastin’ too long. She wants to travel, and Jess is always in the garage with his drums.”

“I hope he gets a real job after graduation,” April pulled a magazine closer. “I’ve given up on Bam. All he does is skateboard. Only someone like that Tony Hawk can make money from skateboardin’.”

“I dunno,” Phil peered at a use by date, and tore open the lid. “When’d you buy this yoghurt?”

“There’s more in the freezer,” April peered at the clock. “What time did you tell Mark to bring Jessie back?”

“Ten,” Phil’s spoon clanged against the bowl. “She’ll be alright. Hanna’s a good boy.”

“I hope so,” April flipped pages. “I almost wish we had another daughter. Jess is too quiet, and Bam the opposite. Jessie doesn’t make enough friends.”

“Bam scares ‘em all off,” Phil figured. “I think this yoghurt is off, Ape.”

“Toss it,” April threw her head back. “God, I could use a massage. Stayin’ up late to make sure our kids aren’t in any trouble. Did you think raising children would be like this?”

“I’m sure he’ll get better, Ape,” Phil nodded.


	2. Bam-world

**PART 1 - VIVA LA BAM**

KATIE & MISSY

“I don’t have any trouble admitting it,” Katie shrugged, with a sigh. “I mean, she’s alright, I guess. Now that her brother’s famous. What’s her life like, I wonder?”

“You should know,” Missy pulled a packet of cigarettes, and lit up. “Your boyfriend’s filming them all the time. Did I tell you the time my dad caught me smoking for the first time?”

“No,” Katie blinked. “God, I mean, sorry. I know he - “

“Forget it,” Missy lifted a hand. “My mom’s met someone new. So apparently I’ve got to move on, too.”

“It’s just - all Bam does is skateboard and Gee films him,” Katie swung her leg over the other. “How long does this go for?”

“It’s all day,” Missy chuckled. “You’ve been to Turk’s Head Festival before. It’s all guitars and kids runnin’ round and old folks’ complainin’. Ya know.”

They took seats on fold out seats, returning with hot dogs oozing sauce in paper napkins.

“This is good,” Missy admitted. “But I shouldn’t be eating this.”

“Please,” Katie frowned. “You’re thin as hell; I’m jealous. I’ve always thought you should dye your hair darker.”

“You think?” Missy considered. “Maybe.”

“Well,” Katie cleared her throat. “One thing’s for sure. She won’t be lonely for friends. All those hangers-on. They’re there for the fame. At least you and I can say we were there first. _We_ deserve it, too.”

APRIL & PHIL

“You seen Jessie?” April asked. “She’s upstairs in her room. Still studyin’. I can’t believe her. She’s such a busy bee. Back in my day… “

“Bam says he’s had a few calls, an agent,” Phil breathed easier, joining her on the couch. “They want to sign him up for a show. It’s not enough Jess’ band is on the rise.”

“You’re jokin’,” April turned. “A show? For all that crap Bam pulls? Puh-leese. Get outta here.”

“I’m not kiddin’,” Phil heaved. “They’re sending over the contract. Way I figure it is, he’s gonna do better than either of the others.”

“Don’t say that,” April swatted him with her magazine. “Jess is so passionate about his music. And Jessie… well, I only wanted her to join me in the salon. She’s always out doing something or other!”

JENN & DUNN

“But you’ve been seein’ him for a while,” Dunn leaned back on the bench, where in the distance, Bam ran with his skateboard and leapt on it towards a ramp.

“Yeah,” Jenn pushed her sunglasses atop her head. “I mean, I geddit. It’s a little weird; but it’s goin’ somewhere, you know? And age is just a number.”

“I get that. You see that ollie Bam did? I about broke my ankle this one time - “

“Sorry to just open up,” Jenn splayed her hands. “But sometimes people ask. And I get a bit tense.”

“Nah, I understand,” Dunn waved it away. “You see these lines under my eyes? I’ve had my heart broken. And my girl’s my life, I wouldn’t have it any other way. And if it works for you two, I’m not gunna say anythin’.”

“Thanks. Look at him. He’ll make so much money from this show he can do skateboarding whether they pay him for it or not.”

“I reckon it’s on the rise,” Dunn shrugged. “You heard of Tim O’Connor in Jersey?”

“God knows what he’s got planned for it,” Jenn chuckled. “How boring it would be if they just filmed our lives. April makin’ pasta and Phil stealing the leftovers out of the fridge.”

“And Bam destroying stuff,” Ryan nodded. “Prankin’ people. Causing havoc. I dunno. If I had any life in me, I’d laugh if I was on the other end; if I was never gettin’ a face full of sand, or getting pantsed in assembly.”

“Did he do that?” Jenn turned. “I heard Bam was a riot at WC East.”

“Still is,” Ryan belched, and stared ahead. “Maybe that’s why they’ve given him a show.”


	3. Bam's Skatepark

GLOMB & BAM

“You can’t be serious,” Glomb laughed. “With Hanna? That dude?”

“Ya-huh,” Bam nodded. “Hey, guys. Gimme a break. We’ve got hours to film.”

“I thought it was supposed to be rainin’,” Glomb watched Bam.

“It is,” Bam grinned. “Who cares. We’ve got Hawk comin’.”

“Is that her?” Glomb tripped over a cable, and waved to the kitchen window. “She even see me?”

“She sees you, for shit,” Bam glanced him up and down. “What do you look like?”

“Like a man who doesn’t care how he smells,” Glomb grinned and clapped him on the shoulder. “C’mon, help me set this up. Even the star’s gotta get his hands dirty.”

“Not me,” Bam smirked, and leapt away with a pirouette, and Glomb shook his head.

JENN & DUNN

“You alright?” Dunn watched. “You need a hand?”

“Not since you broke the last one,” Jenn held the miniature teacups to her chest. “That’s the last of them. And the end of my patience, I swear.”

“Relax,” Dunn spread his arms. “You see how many cameras are round this place? This is what it’s like to be famous.”

“Oh, please,” Jenn frowned. “I’ve got as many tradesmen in here as can muddy up the floor and destroy the toilet. Oh, yeah. And don’t even think of telling them there’s another one upstairs.”

“I’ll bet ya Bam already has,” Dunn tipped his cap. “Now, where do you need me?”

“Facing that way,” Jenn pointed. “And keep walking, like a wind-up toy soldier. Do everything you’re told and stay far away from me.”

KATIE & JENN

“That’s Tony Hawk over there,” Jenn pointed. “Bam’s brought a bunch o’ skaters, they all flew in.”

“Sounds nice,” Katie sniffed. “Can you believe this rain? I got half soaked coming in here. I hope my sweatshirt doesn’t smell.”

“Everyone smells by now,” Jenn shrugged. “And we’re due for Ape and Phil comin’ back. I know we haven’t spoken much; but I hope we can continue to get along. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only girl here. Bam and his friends take up the entire stage.”

“You’ve got her,” Katie enviously replied. “You know. Bam’s sister. I thought you two would be the best of pals.”

“She does her own thing,” Jenn stared. “Jessica’s not cut out for this. You know she does horse riding at a farm out of Westchester? Her mom used to back in the day, too. I thought she was driving out to Arasapha, but they grow _corn_ … “

“So she’s not here, she’s not a part of it,” Katie smiled. “Well, why wouldn’t she want to be here? Her brother’s famous. I thought that’s all any of us ever wanted.”

“It’s strange,” Jenn admitted. “But all the cameras here, it’s as if they’re not here to film; they’re looking for something. Oh, shit. You see that white limo? Smile and say nothing. Actually, could you hand me that cotton candy? Thanks. It’ll soften the blow.”


	4. Scavenger Hunt

APRIL & HANNA

“They’re not even off yet,” April smiled. “How are ya? Phil’s only just headed upstairs. He’ll be a while so you can tell me why your mother hasn’t come to the salon lately.”

Hanna chuckled. “Wouldn’t have a clue, to be honest.”

“Weren’t you sposed to be in  _ Gnarkill _ ?” April peered. “Bam’s car, isn’t that right?”

“Yeah, but I’m to take my own car,” Hanna shrugged. “Jessie took my place with the camera.”

“Ah, well,” April tapped her pencil on the list. “She’s had an inkling of photography, from what Frantz taught her. She walked out after twenty minutes, of course - but she does work so hard that girl. She worked in a camera shop for a bit, you know. But I suspect they’ll be closing down in a couple years; or so Gee says.”

“Gee? Katie’s boyfriend?”

“That’s the one,” April nodded. “Jessica’s never really got on with her. She’s always a bit sour looking. But you never know. It might just be that Jessie’s always worked hard and Bam’s catapulted to success. Maybe Jessie’s always felt she has to best Bam.”

“Who knows,” Hanna barely covered a belch. “I’m lookin’ for my keys.”

“They’re over by the mail,” April pointed. “Don’t bother lookin’ through it. It’s Bam who’s gettin’ the paychecks, not us, ha.”

BAM, TIM O’CONNOR, JASON ELLIS

“You see that guy in the parkin’ lot?” Tim crunched his burger, juice running down his chin. “Takin’ a long hard look at himself in the mirror I’ll bet.”

“Why?” Jason stole a fry. “What’d he do?”

“Checkin’ out our ride like it’s a piece of shit,” Tim grinned. “What say you, Bam?”

“It  _ is _ a piece of shit,” Bam added. “Don’t laugh. We gotta get all this on camera first.”

“Where’s your sister gone?” Jason slurped his drink. “To make more room?”

Bam nodded. “Careful. You hear what I did to Hanna on prom night?”

“Yeah, we’ve all heard the story,” Tim smiled. “You barely got ‘im.”

“I’m serious,” Bam raised his eyebrows. “She’s all for studyin’ and shit. Who needs that when I’ve got my own show?”

“What’s she doin’ with her life?” Jason asked. “You know, just curious.”

“I dunno,” Bam sat back in his chair. “Her and Jenn talk more than I do. She used to do some sewing shit - so I cut them up into little pieces and hid them over her room.”

“What a bastard,” Jason grinned. “Score of a brother you are.”

“I’m payin’ the bills,” Bam raised his eyebrows. “She’s gotta get in line like everyone else if she wants to come on these trips.”

“That’s no brotherly love,” Tim pointed with one finger, clutching his drink. “C’mon, make peace not war.”

“She’s not fallin’ for it,” Bam shrugged. “Everyone else wants to have a good time, ‘cept her.”

“That’s not a crime, dude,” Tim looked to Jason. “What?”

“I see how you look at her,” Jason grinned. “I give it a month before you start skateboarding in  _ this _ borough more often.”

“Dude, I’m off to Cambodia for Habitat,” Tim set his drink down. “I’ve got chicks all over me; don’t you worry.”

KATIE & RYAN GEE

“You see this, babe?” Gee folded his arms. “This is prime stuff.”

“Then why aren’t you filming it?” Katie frowned. “All I see is Frantz and the production company. Look at the waste. How much was that piano when they bought it?”

“Who cares?” Gee shook his head. “At least we’re getting rid of  _ Policia _ .”

“They’re  _ all _ shit cars,” Katie tapped her foot. “Tell me we’re gettin’ something decent for dinner. I  _ wanted _ pizza but April isn’t even making anything.”

“For this crowd?” Gee watched. “How many are there? You count. You tell me.”

“Sometimes I forget how long we’ve been together - “

“Since high school.”

“You know what I mean,” Katie tugged her scarf tighter. “I need to go shopping if we’re gonna be standing out in the cold night after night. You know, just lookin’ at them, I’m sure  _ we  _ never looked that much in love as they do.”

“Gee, thanks. Bam’s doin’ alright.”

“Bam? No,” Katie shook her head. “Look. Over there. Seth and his wife. Perhaps they’re still in their honeymoon stage.”

Gee chuckled. “I know his wife; that’s not her. That’s his girlfriend. Now hold my hand and let’s look surprised when this crane drops this piece of shit.”

Katie frowned.

“God, listen to them all. It was just a piano,” Katie rubbed her arms. “Let’s go inside. And look, do you see Jessica? She’s out with them all.”

“You’ve gotta stop gossiping,” Gee rubbed her back. “If you wanna be her friend, just speak up. How do ya think I got along with Bam so long?”

“Oh, I hate her,” Katie said miserably. “She thinks just ‘cos she’s a Margera she has everything.”

“Hey, the Margeras weren’t shit till Bam and Jess made them something special,” Gee raised his eyebrows. “You knew him back in the day. Perhaps you’d prefer if they made a show about  _ your _ life? A talk show?”

“Ryan,” Katie fumed. “You know that is entirely the wrong thing to say. What’s made you so brave?”

“Maybe I ate a can of spinach. Maybe this fame’s goin’ to my head. I’m getting paid for this camera work - who knows, maybe I’ll be rollin’ in the bucks soon.”

“Well, when you do,” Katie smiled. “You call me up and I’ll  _ consider _ it. I’ll  _ consider _ your fate.”


	5. Mardi Gras

APRIL & PHIL

“Look at them,” April smiled. “I’ll tell ya, Bam knows it. You hear that blow horn? I’ve made a fresh pot if you want some.”

“Thanks,” Phil pulled the mug closer. “Which one are we goin’ in?”

“I think Glomb’s decorating them first,” April rolled her eyes. “I told the ladies at the salon, but they all probably think it’s a joke, which it is. I’m a grown woman going to Mardi Gras. For what - that’s just what they’re thinking.”

“Nah, it can’t be that bad,” Phil shook his head. “You wake Jessie yet?”

“She’ll be awake by now, if she isn’t already,” April glanced at the staircase. “Here she comes. I’ve packed some magazines. Least we’re getting the bed in the back. I couldn’t fit in one of those bunk beds in the side.”

JENN & MISSY

“Thanks for comin’,” Jenn steered Glomb’s truck near the Hobbit Hole. “It looks kinda silly, I know. We’re like the hired help.”

“What is that?” Missy peered over her shoulder. “A ramp in case he gets bored?”

“In case they  _ all _ get bored,” Jenn chuckled. “There they go. We’re to follow their RVs all the way to New Orleans. Check the glovebox. I reckon Glomb forgot to give us cash to gas up.”

Missy opened and shut the glovebox with a smile.

“There’s a bag of crisps, a packet of nails, and a roll of rubbers,” Missy admitted. “Which do you want first?”

APRIL & GLOMB

“Oh god, you smell,” April held her nose. “Please, can we stop at some motel with a shower. I’ll pay. I don’t even care.”

“Ape, this is just the beginning,” Glomb wiped his sticky brow. “I’ve gotta get even. Right, Cartz? Well, don’t take his silence as anything. He’s never been on one of Bam’s wild rides before.”

“Phil, pass me that, will ya? Thanks. Glomb, wipe yourself. Go jump in a lake. There’s every opportunity for you to roll off into a ditch and never be seen again.”

“You can’t say that out loud, April,” Glomb grinned. “Folks will think ya mean it.”

“We’re off camera,” April raised her eyebrows. “I can say any damn thing off script I like. It’s hard enough acting surprised when Bam’s rehearsed the walk through ten times over.”

RAKE & TIM O’CONNOR

“You can’t tell me that’s not what you’re thinking,” Rake pointed. “Look at Jason Ellis! He could’ve just broken his hip.”

“Gee, thanks grandma,” Tim smirked. “It’s a way of life. You know it, Bam knows it, all the people here know it. You’ve gotta lighten up.”

“No thanks,” Rake frowned. “Getting bruised in a wheelchair and attended to by nurses for the rest of my life?”

“Sign me up,” Tim chuckled. “C’mon, man. Especially on camera. You’ve gotta relax. We’re all here for fun.”

Rake shook his head. “We’ll never make it to Mardi Gras on time. I’m heading to take a dump - how much you wanna bet it’s a long drop situation?”

JADE & SOLEIA

“I’m glad I caught you alone,” Jade giggled. “Did you see him?”

“I see all of them,” Soleia checked her purse. “If you want, we can bail.”

“No way,” Jade checked her watch. “You see all the cameras round? You figure backpacking in Australia was any better than this? We’ll be  _ on TV _ .”

“Oh, lay off it,” Soleia shook Jane’s shoulder. “I’ve seen you two making eyes at each other.”

“The Aussie? Oh yes,” Jane smiled. “Look, here they come now. And I bet he’s bought one of us crisps.”

“I’m glad it’s not just us on board,” Soleia glanced over her shoulder. “Look, they even took their handbags. Perhaps they don’t trust us?”

“They need to pay somehow,” Jane stared. “Missy’s nice. You can tell Bam’s girlfriend sent her over here to spy.”

“And his sister, too?” Soleia huffed. “There’s only so much space at this table. You should have seen her face when Jason invited Missy to play strip poker and sit next to Tim. I swear, now  _ that’s _ something in the cards.”

“Well, Missy a good friend,” Jane shrugged. “She stood up right away when she knew. But you wouldn’t do that, so I won’t ever have to doubt you.”

“No,” Soleia frowned. “You wouldn’t. Jason’s yours; if he wants you, that is. Oh, look. We can’t discuss it further. Oh, gentlemen… did you get us anything?”

RAAB & TIM O’CONNOR

“Yo, you see this crowd,” Raab stepped out of the limo, into the crowd. “Damn, look at these cops! You reckon any of these chicks will take their top off?”

“Hold on there, pal,” Tim chuckled. “We’re almost at the hotel. These guys in blue won’t let anyone get near.”

“Look at ‘im,” Raab pointed. “Cameras all round ‘im. He’s a star. Wish I was like ‘im.”

“Nah you don’t,” Tim clapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t be bothered by it. Just go with the flow. We’re up here. Look at all the faces on these stairs.”

“Dude, there’s bouncers at our room,” Raab giggled. “I bet we’re sleeping on the couch. There’s barely enough room here. You hear that outside? I’m gunna run and get some Viva la Bam beads. Grab a beer for me?”

MISSY & RAKE / MISSY & JENN

“No way,” Rake grinned. “I’m glad I caught ya. You see this crowd? Man, I took a look over the balcony and got cigarette ash on my hands… “

“Mmm,” Missy took a drag. “Well I won’t tell the guys. I know how much you already hate mustard.”

“So, Penn State. We are… “ Rake pantomimed with a laugh. “BS in Chemistry.”

“Bachelor in Communication - “

“Communication?” Rake frowned. “What good’s that?”

Missy took a swig of her beer, lifting a finger from her grip. Rake turned.

“Aw, man!” Rake scowled and stomped off. “I’ll see ya.”

“Glad I caught you,” Jenn ran up. “It’s a break from all this cheering. I’ve never seen anything like it. You see those girls on the other side of the building? You’d think they didn’t own clothing. Where’d Rake go?”

“He saw Soleia and Jade with Jason Ellis,” Missy watched.

“Well, that’s for him to sort out,” Jenn raised an eyebrow. “You doin’ OK?”

“Yeah,” Missy breathed. “Me and my boyfriend broke up, so that’s not all good.”

“Oh, I know sweetie,” Jenn clutched her arm. “Believe me, in this crowd, you can feel like your worries are melting away. Are you gonna finish that beer?”

Missy smiled and handed it over.

“Did you see Bam’s sister?” Jenn rattled the remnants. “I’ll go see how she’s doing.”

“Oh, yeah. She’s over there,” Missy pointed. “Do you see who with?”

“I’m not surprised,” Jenn smiled. “Do you think she’ll say anything? Do you think  _ he _ will?”

“Oh, no,” Missy shook her head. “Especially not with Bam standing near. And look - ah! - he’s spotted them. Now they’ve never got a chance. C’mon, let’s say hello. I’m getting chilly without my cardigan.”

“Then let’s hop inside, and we can return to this madness,” Jenn lifted a hand in greeting.


	6. Driveway Skatepark

DICO & GLOMB

“You think any of this will get done without Bam?” Dico sniggered.

“Just look at the place!” Glomb gestured. “We’re about almost done! You see that winding snake run, that’s where the cameras will set up. We’re getting a devil-bat spewing flame over there. And those glass displays will show off any flair the gang get from LA.”

“Well, it’s on your head, so be it,” Dico crossed himself in prayer. “I give thee absolution. Man, if Bam doesn’t like it - “

“Who says he won’t?” Glomb bit back. “C’mon, man. I’ve not been sitting ‘round doin’ nothing. Even the cameras are here to make sure of that.”

“Whatever,” Dico raised his hands. “You stayin’ for the sleepover?”

“What, with all those skater dudes flying in on a chopper?” Glomb blew his fringe out of his face. “Count me in. We’ll have to pull sleeping bags into the living room and use cushions from the one seaters, but I’ve slept rougher. You remember that time Ape and Phil stranded us on an island?”

“Yeah, how could I forget,” Dico chuckled. “Raab got puffy eyes and you skated naked. Don’t get any ideas if we get any chicks round. Bam scoops them all up in the end anyway.”

“You think Jenn knows?” Glomb walked beside him. “Or she just puts up with it? Man, that must be cruisy.”

“Don’t count on it,” Dico shook his head. “Jenn’s a good girl. My girl’s always sayin’ she should leave ‘im.”

“What about Missy?” Glomb’s eyes lit up. “She’s not coming? Ah, that’s a shame. She’s a looker.”

“I figure Jessica will be happy,” Dico sniggered. “Look, there’s her car coming from the drive.”

“Why’s that? Where’s she been?” Glomb waved a hand.

Dico jumped on the hood, snarling and spluttering, and jogged back over to Glomb.

“Stroud Preserve I bet. See, there’s the dog, she’s been walking him. How are you doing, boy? Good boy… “

“Can ya get us some beers?” Glomb shouted. “I don’t think she heard me. Why’d you say she’ll be happy?”

“Well, Bam told me not to say anything to her,” Dico lowered her voice. “But her Jersey boyfriend’s coming. I dunno what the deal is with them two. We all have eyes. They’ve gotta find some hole and get to know each other so we don’t have to tiptoe round them.”

“I know what you mean,” Glomb laughed.

APRIL & JENN

“And we’re the ones to clean up!” April huffed. “Pass me that tea towel, willya? Thanks.”

“It was a lovely meal,” Jenn nodded. “It still feels weird to eat at that table with all the medieval goblets. By the way, where’s Jessica?”

“Oh, she’s clearing the rest of it,” April glanced upward. “You hear them? They’ve already spread out in the living room, not a care in the world. We’re the ones down here. Thanks for drying, by the way. I’ll get Jessie to put away.”

“Can I ask,” Jenn paused. “I’ve got a shift at Duffer’s early tomorrow.”

“Oh, hon. You don’t have to ask,” April squeezed her arm. “Well, ha. I suppose you do, or I wouldn’t have known about it. I’ll be back early to cook breakfast, not that Bam’ll be back before then. I heard he’s pulling an all nighter. Jenn, I don’t know how you put up with him. And I thought he was difficult when he was a child! All this fame is going to his head. You look at that Danny Way. He’s like Tony Hawk - sober and serious.”

“I dunno,” Jenn sniffed. “I heard Danny used to be quite adventurous in his youth. Quite a bad past. But he’s made something of himself, and he never stops trying. I guess that’s why he’s the best.”

“I say the same of Jessie,” April chucked the tea towel over her shoulder and dusted her hands. “You know, she’s into bird watching. Out at Stroud Preserve. I’d ask that girl why she’s into such things - but then, she’s also volunteering down at the library to read to school kids. She’s such a good girl. She may not go as high as Bam, but she’s as settled as Jess will be soon enough. You know him and Kelly have another on the way?”

BAM & JENN

“Babe, shift up. There’s no room,” Bam adjusted. “There’s a free spot over there!”

“I prefer sitting with you,” Jenn smiled. “Especially seeing how many girls you invited. Don’t you see them looking? And they all think I’m too old for you.”

“I’m serious,” Bam lifted a finger. “You’re givin’ my knee a cramp. Take Tim’s old spot.”

“Are they still out there?” Jenn glanced to the balcony. “Danny Way was such a gentleman, offering his seat when she came over. What could they be talking about?”

“What else?” Bam chuckled. “Tim’s been interested in my sister since day one.”

“You don’t mean that,” Jenn frowned. “You’re only saying that now. I didn’t hear a word of it from you.”

“Well, there they are. Whaddaya gonna do? She makes up her own mind about everything.”

“He’s very chatty,” Jenn observed. “He fills every space with small talk. And you can see the way she looks at him. She must be so cold without a sweater!”

“I think that’s the plan,” Bam added dryly. “Give it a minute and he’ll take off his sweat shirt. Babe, I’m bored. You wanna go to Rex’s?”

“Not particularly,” Jenn yawned. “I was thinking of running a hot bath before bed.”

“Who wants to go to Rex’s?” Bam raised his voice. “See? You’ll have the place almost to yourself.”

Bam ran for the balcony and slammed against the door.

“You two lovebirds geddinhere!” Bam hawked and spat against the glass.

APRIL & DUNN

“And how did it go?” April smiled. “I see Bam’s still not back.”

“Yeah, I drove back early,” Dunn scratched his beard. “Place was pretty quiet. Still weird now not to have Bam here.”

“He’s always out,” April shook her head. “What fun could he be having all night? I’m in bed by nine at the latest, with a mug of warm cocoa and a good book. I’ll wake up the next morning with a headache to last the entire day if I stayed out as late as he did. Not to mention how bored I’d be!”

“He likes it,” Dunn shrugged. “Is that my bacon that’s ready?”

“Yes, that’s your plate. Pass that to - thank you. You see how tall Danny Way is? I suppose that helps on the posters. Take the stool over there, you see how the kitchen is crowded with skateboarders. You’d think they’d never had a hot meal before. And how were the girls?”

“I heard Jenn got a ride with you into work,” Dunn raised his eyebrows. “Jessie hit the hay pretty soon after Bam took his crew out for drinks.”

“Oh, there she is. Jessie! Ryan, pass this plate to her, willya? Oh, Tim. You don’t need to help with the washing up, it’s all covered. But I can tell you’re well brought up, don’t you worry! Ryan, did you get it to her?”

“Yeah, she’s sitting over on the lounge suite. It gets the best light from the balcony. Plus the kitchen’s crowded at the moment.”

“Oh, don’t let her sit alone,” April pleaded.

“She’s not,” Dunn lifted a finger. “Look, Danny’s joined her. Look at all their faces; you’d think they couldn’t discuss an ollie without him.”

“Oh, he’s a good guy,” April smiled. “He knows how to make someone comfortable. And I’ll tell ya, you see Tim just before? He offered to  _ help _ . He knows how to behave in somebody’s house. That’s more than I can say for Novak. That’s all I’ll say.”

Dunn paused. “I think he’s back. That’s his Hummer, him and a couple others. Yes, I’m sure. You hear them slamming doors? You better get another plate ready. He’ll be starved or hungover or exhausted.”

“Or both or all,” April rolled her eyes. “It’s everyday with this kid. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. You must know how well he sets us up. I don’t even have to go into the salon but to cover someone who’s sick.”


	7. Viva la Europe - Paris

DUNN & RAAB

“Man, this weather. I didn’t expect it to be this bad when we drove out from Westchester,” Raab complained.

“Stop your blathering and grab my suitcase. We’re not supposed to stop in this - thank you. Yeah, I’d tip ya, but my wallet’s inside. C’mon. There’ll be somewhere to sit up in the airport lounge.”

“You think Bam’s paid us for first class?” Raab wiped his nose. “Man, that’s better. Feel how warm it is inside here. Where’s the john? I wanna take a piss before we have to get onboard.”

“Relax,” Dunn gestured. “Just follow his burgundy blazer. It’s easy to make out in this crowd.”

“Not with all those departures,” Raab pointed. “Look at all o’ em! They’re coming into Philly and  _ we’re _ going to Paris! Think o’ that!”

“I’ll try,” Dunn added dryly. “The toilet’s over there. Go find a hookup if you’re horny - ah, don’t touch me! I’m going to that kiosk to buy a pack.”

BAM & FRANTZ

“They don’t take it seriously,” Frantz buckled his seat. “Only water, thanks. I’ve brought a Maxxum for this trip. You’ll say it’s old hat, but the range - “

“Oh, jeez,” Bam lay back in his seat. “Shut up, Frantz. It’s only chance that’s got us sitting next to each other. You see that stewardess? I wish we didn’t bring Jenn.”

“I hope you tell her everything,” Frantz narrowed his eyes. “Sheesh, if I had a girlfriend, I’d hold onto her. It’s been months… “

“I bet it has, with that attitude,” Bam opened an eye. “Listen here. We’ve got a long ass flight to Paris ahead of us. I want something to help me sleep, then you wake me when we get there. We’ve got loads o’ filming and if it means you shut your trap while you’re doing it, then all the better.”

JENN & APRIL

“Are we waitin’ on Jessie?” April checked her watch. “But look at these gardens. And she said you went inside Hermes? Oh, I love their scarves.”

“Too pricey to touch,” Jenn laughed. “You should have seen the man behind the desk. His nose was big enough for us to sit under.”

“You wouldn’t want shade out here,” April fanned herself. “And look, there’s tourists like us. No, I can tell because of the cameras round their neck. And somewhere, Frantz is having a good time filming Bam. What are you two up to for the rest of the day?”

“We went to a cafe and had some baguettes for lunch,” Jenn raised her eyebrows. “I’ve never been to Europe. I have to say, this is one of the best experiences of my life. And I have to say thanks to your son.”

“Oh, here’s Jessie,” April waved. “Make sure you two make the most of it. I know how hard you two work. After this, it’s back to the real world. Who knows when Bam might do another trip on this scale? Jessie, we’ve been waitin’... “

DUNN & BAM

“He settled in?” Dunn glanced up. “Here, take a seat. It’s chilly out here, glad you brought your coat.”

“Still hurts,” Bam flexed his throat. “Vito does a mean chokehold. You can hear him going up in the elevator. Whose beer is this?”

“Tim’s,” Dunn lit up another cigarette. “He and your sister went to some bodega.”

“There aren’t any bodegas in Paris,” Bam frowned. “Look at us. Did you think it would happen?”

“We don’t have to sit outside the hotel if you don’t want,” Dunn budged. “You look cold. These cast iron chairs might look fancy but they’re uncomfortable as fuck.”

“You always care about me,” Bam grinned, and Dunn slapped it away. “Y’know, since I got the show I’ve got loads more friends. And I’d need to be drunker than this to admit it. My close crowd is thinning out. You guys are the only ones I’ve got left.”

“Speaking of,” Dunn glanced over his shoulder. “Here they come now. Yeah, I’m sure. That’s Tim’s skateboard you hear. Are you deaf?”

“What’ve you two got?” Bam yelled. “I can’t hear ‘em, can you? They’ve got some bottled orange juice.”

“She did say they brew it fresh on the premises, or so the brochure says,” Dunn added. “Y’know, from a little machine.”

“Paris isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” Bam sighed. “I better get some rest. I can’t sleep with Jenn in the room. Tell Tim the next beer’s on me. And you can ask them when they’re gettin’ a room.”

“Stuff that,” Dunn chuckled. “You know how hard she punches. My shoulder’s still got a bruise.”


	8. Viva la Europe - Munich

APRIL & JENN

“Would you look at this, Jenn?” April held out the clothing from the rack. “Excuse me, sorry. What do you call this?”

“A dirndl?” Jenn repeated. “Thanks. Well, it’s pretty. I wouldn’t choose  _ that _ colour… “

“Oh, no,” April shook her head. “Take this one for Jessie. It’ll match her skin tone. Yours I think would be best served with… this one.”

“Especially now I’ve dyed my hair,” Jenn took a breath. “Well, would you look at that price? I suppose they expect all the girls to wear ‘em.”

“It  _ is _ a tradition,” April smiled. “Even if it is one where everyone gets plastered and goes on amusement park rides. What is it again? Oktoberfest? Is it only held in October, do you think?”

“Beats me,” Jenn raised her eyebrows. “I’ll go try this one on. I think you’re complimenting me, April, but you know I’m a size up than that.”

“I’m trying, dear,” April called. “And I’ll bring you another one I’ve just found.”

APRIL & PHIL

“What are those?” Phil took a seat on a bench. “I couldn’t see you in that crowd. It’s madness, Ape. I don’t know how we’ll find the others.”

“We’ll know because of all the cameras,” April smiled. “Thank you. Let me just put my handbag here. Here you go - they’re called  _ lebkuchen _ .”

“What’s that mean?” Phil tore off the wrapper. “It’s pretty good.”

“Gingerbread. And how cute! They’re in the shape of hearts,” April popped one in her mouth. “I’ve seen Jessie and Jenn go off on their way. They’re in that ride with the spinning disc - girls in  _ dirndls _ press up against each other and the last girl wins - oh, Phil.”

“What?”

“This is just - where’s my bag? Oh, I know I have an old receipt in here somewhere.”

“There’s a trash can over there,” Phil pointed. “You alright?”

JENN & RAAB

“I only saw you from the feather in your cap,” Jenn frowned. “Are you sure you should start drinking already?”

“Look around us,” Raab gestured. “Who  _ isn’t _ drinking? If you’re sober by night time they should throw you out, at least from the beer tent. Where’s Ape and Phil?”

“I last saw them at the high striker,” Jenn glanced over her shoulder. “April was cheering him on.”

“What about you?” Raab whistled. “What’s this get up you’re wearin’?”

“It’s a dirndl,” Jenn pirouetted. “You know, I got less looks from guys since I learned how to tie it right.”

“What?”

“I walked out of our hotel tied this way, and that means you’re single… this way, the way I have it now, means your spoken for or not looking.”

“Well, jeez,” Raab’s beer sloshed in his mug. “Just ask! That’s all I’ve been doin’. Every chick’s said yea or nay on her own terms.”

“Respect the tradition,” Jenn jabbed him with a finger. “This is what we’re here for, to enjoy ourselves, but also to learn something.”

“Not me!” Raab took a drink. “You seen Bam?”

“That’s who I’m looking for,” Jenn glanced around. “Oh, Chris. Look.”

“Don’t call me that,” Raab paused. “Yeah, I see ‘em. Are they gettin’ on the rollercoaster?”

“I thought she was afraid of heights,” Jenn mused. “Jessie told me once.”

“It’s not that she’ll be nervous about,” Raab chuckled. “Look at his sweatshirt. He didn’t even go to Harvard!”

“Oh, like that matters,” Jenn swatted him away. “You know, April picked out her dirndl. Her hair wouldn’t have gone well with mine.”

“You chicks and your clothes,” Raab snickered. “Why are we watching them? Why aren’t we living up this greatest moment on earth?”

“We?” Jenn stared. “There is no we. Now go over and sign that girl’s breast. She’s been looking at you this whole time.”


	9. Viva la Europe - Venice

RAAB & TIM O’CONNOR

“It’s down here,” Raab pointed.

“Don’t you think we shouldn’t break up the group?” Tim glanced over his shoulder. “Bam’s got a nice table outside some restaurant with a view of the canal. Ape and Phil were saying somethin’ about going on a gondola. Frantz won’t shut up about it.”

“Yo,” Raab lifted a hand. “See, Tim? Opposite the old bookstore? I got coffee cream, but there’s all sorts o’ flavours.”

“Hey, hi,” Tim stepped up. “What kinda gelato you got? It’s on the chalkboard? Yeah, alright.”

APRIL & PHIL

“Oh, this is lovely,” April smiled. “Even if we have to turn on the camera every once in a while to convince the audience this wasn’t totally staged.”

“It’s a life away from Westchester,” Phil glanced at the choppy waves. “Bam said he’s gonna get Vito into one of those.”

“One of what?”

“Them shirts… the one the guy paddling us is wearin’.”

“A gondolier, I think he’s called,” April sniffed. “You know, Vito’s been nothin’ but hassle.”

JENN & DUNN

“You seen Bam?” Jenn asked.

“Nah,” Dunn shook his head. “Look at this crowd. Did you see my lighter?”

“Come into this little shop with me and we can talk,” Jenn motioned. “Oh, look.”

“I thought we were gonna talk,” Dunn lifted his head to the cashier. “See, he thinks we’re gonna buy something. Maybe you don’t know, Jenn, but I’m broke.”

“I think Bam wants to shoot something in the square,” Jenn mused. “Oh, I have to show April these. Look. Glass blown. Do you think they’ll match?”

“I’m not your fashion guru!” Dunn exclaimed. “For that price, you should walk away.”

“I need a new pair of earrings,” Jenn pouted. “Come with me. I still want to cross the Ponte de Rialto. I saw Frantz telling the cameramen the best shot for when April and Phil come underneath it.”


	10. Viva la Europe - Monaco

RAAB & TIM O’CONNOR

“You got any more change?” Raab checked through his wallet. “Damn. I’m gonna have to hit the ATM.”

“I’ll come with,” Tim offered. “Man, look at this lobby. It’s pretty special coming in, but look at all the ticket stubs and lint on the floor.”

“You can’t be picky,” Raab argued. “It’s the closest casino to the hotel. Only a walk across the street! I’m gonna go in the pool when I get back to my suite.”

“I heard Bam snuck up on Jessie,” Tim chuckled. “She was out on a recliner and he chucked her in. She wasn’t too pleased.”

“She tell you that?” Raab asked. “What else she tell you?”

“That you helped Bam,” Tim smiled. “Budge up, Raab. You’re next in line.”

APRIL & PHIL

“Part of me  _ has _ enjoyed this trip,” April nodded. “But another part wants to get back to Westchester. You know I asked Hanna’s mom to water the garden?”

“We should put in sprinklers,” Phil got up from the couch. “The air conditioning needs to be cooler. Feels like we’re back in Venice.”

“Oh, I know,” April fluffed her hair. “This suite is so nice. Jessie said hers has a balcony out onto the ocean. She offered to swap but I want her to have the opportunity.”

“She makin’ motions about getting a job yet?” Phil asked. “Hope she doesn’t feel like she has to best Bam, or Jess.”

“Oh, you know,” April rolled her eyes. “She’s doing so much, that kid. She’ll burn herself out. It’s good timing she met Tim. She can slow down and focus.”

“He’s a good kid,” Phil nodded. “Where’s that remote? There’s not much good on these channels. Hey, you think Bam will mind if we pay for the extra channels?”

“What movie are you thinkin’?” April leaned over. “The programme guide’s down near my suitcase. Hand it over, willya? Thanks. Now Phil, I know you don’t like chick flicks… “

BAM & JENN

“You got everything?” Jenn yawned. “Bam, I’m serious. My iPod’s still back in Munich. I’ve as much chance as getting that back as Vito does his luggage.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bam zipped up his suitcase. “You got the room key?”

“Look at this hallway,” Jenn’s voice echoed. “We’re meeting them in the lobby, right? This is the last hotel I’ll be stayin’ at for a while. At least, as long as you bring me next time. You will, won’t you?”

“Course,” Bam frowned. “Don’t make it sound serious. I’m figuring on livin’ on Bam world for a long while yet.”

“And then?” Jenn asked hopefully.

“And then I’ll skate!”

“We have to settle down sometime,” Jenn pursed her lips. “And you know, what with this ring you’ve given me… “

“Don’t talk to me about  _ that _ ,” Bam moaned. “C’mon, cheer up. Don’t make that face.”

“Press the button,” Jenn folded her arms. “God this elevator is small. You know, I will tell you something. But only because I want somebody to tell. And you have to promise not to tell Tim, or Jessie.”

“What?”

“I saw him coming out of her suite,” Jenn raised her eyebrows. “When I put the tray out for room service.”

“Did he catch you?”

“No, his room was the other way. And I waited a bit - you remember? - and knocked on Jessie’s door asking if she’d seen my iPod. Of course, she knew I lost it in Munich… and it all became sorta awkward.”

“You think they’re fuckin’?” Bam grinned.

“I don’t know if he came back… maybe he got his stuff,” Jenn shrugged. “You have to not tell Tim.”

“Jenn, I’m sittin’ next to the guy on a flight in the next two hours,” Bam grinned. “There’s Ape and Phil. You see how heavy he is? At least he can load our suitcases into the shuttle.”


	11. Groundhog Day

APRIL & PHIL

“Where’s Bam gone?” April glanced over her shoulder.

“Here’s your coffee,” Phil joined her on the sofa. “He’d be in Punxsutawney by now. They drove in early to get there.”

“Earlier than he’s ever woken up,” April blew on her coffee. “Too hot, Phil. You know Jenn’s got a new coffee machine.”

“I just used instant,” Phil sipped. “I’ve still got those packets from the hotels in Europe.”

JENN & MISSY

“Thanks for inviting me,” Missy adjusted her hair within her beanie. “What do I look like? This is why I don’t ride my bike. The helmet just ruins it.”

“You look fine,” Jenn parked the car. “This is the place. Look at all the snow. The lodge is just up this way, I’ll pop the trunk.”

“Is yours as heavy as mine?” Missy handed Jenn her suitcase. “I couldn’t decide what to bring, except for scarves and sweatshirts. I even brought my Ugg boots. Is that bad?”

“No, it’s not bad,” Jenn smiled. “The guys and Ape and Phil are in one room, but I’ve booked us twin beds.”

“Separate, I hope,” Missy laughed. “There’s the front desk. I’ll check us in. I don’t mind paying, honest. I’ve got a job at 21 North now, you know. I’m goin’ places. I saw that! Don’t laugh. It’s not all that bad.”

BAM & NOVAK

“You’re fuckin’ kidding me,” Novak shivered. “Gimme back my clothes. Frantz, put down that camera.”

“You’ve gotta do it,” Bam chuckled. “It’s not that cold.”

“You jump in there!”

“No thanks,” Bam turned to Frantz. “Start filming. He’s gonna do it. Whether we chuck him in or not.”

JENN & MISSY

“Have the guys already gone?” Missy asked.

“We’re following them,” Jenn nodded. “This way, towards the snowmobiles. See, there’s some handlers there. And of course, they’re all looking at you.”

“Perhaps I’m wearing the wrong clothes.”

“In their eyes, too many,” Jenn smiled. “Let’s follow the boys. They’re out at some lake, doing some stunt.”

“Is this how I do it?” Missy scrunched up her nose. “Thank you,  _ so _ much. Thank you… “

“Slow down!”

“Jenn, I can’t,” Missy laughed. “Oh, my stomach. I’ve never felt so good in a while.”

“Missy! Stop here. Look at all the birds in the trees. It’s beautiful. You know, I never thanked you for lookin’ after the castle while we were in Europe.”

“Oh, that’s alright,” Missy shrugged. “It was only really keeping Novak from finding things to do, and people to pay. You know how it is with him.”

“Did Bam tell you Clutch is coming to play?”

“Oh, yes,” Missy smiled. “Despite all the pranks you must live through, there  _ are _ some perks. Like Europe!”

“I wanted you to come,” Jenn raised her eyebrows. “But we had already pressed the production company on the budget.”

“I would’ve said no anyway,” Missy bit her cheek. “My grandma was visiting from Florida. I had to visit her as well as keep Novak from goin’ off the rails.”

“Well, you did a good job,” Jenn revved the engine. “And I’m sure Bam will take another trip, and we can take you along.”

APRIL & MISSY

“You two are so close,” April smiled. “I don’t mind sayin’ it. Well, I do, but it’s good to see that Jenn has one friend she can truly count on.”

“Oh, Ape. I can call you that, right? Good. Well, to be honest, Jenn doesn’t just have me. She has Katie, and Selina, and of course, Jessica.”

“Yes, and I’m not speaking openly when I say this,” April paused. “But Selina is always with Seth, and Katie always seems a tad jealous. And Jessica’s so busy. Not that they’re not good friends, mind you. But I suppose Bam’s success has spurred her to do more than work a couple of shifts at the hardware store.”

“Is that what she’s doing now?” Missy stared.

“No, I just figure a lot of the boys and girls who graduated from WC East didn’t amount to much,” April shrugged. “Their mothers come into the salon and their fathers are always at the bar. The sons join them in trade or apprenticeships, and some of their daughters ask me for tips on how to start a hair salon from home. Perhaps seeing Bam on a major show, or Jess on a state wide tour, makes her want to do more than just stick around a small town. To be honest, I don’t mind if she does. But it matters for  _ her _ , you see.”

“I want to be a model,” Missy nodded. “Oh, but it’s harder than it looks. Thank you, April. That means a lot. But really, I don’t think I have the figure or the look for it. What it takes is name recognition. You need to know someone to get anywhere. If nobody looks at the application, then I’ll stay mopping the floors at 21 North. No, I started a while ago, it’s not too new.”

“Well,” April patted her hand. “I think I see Bam heading downstairs for the bar. You know Clutch is coming tomorrow. Well, of course Jenn is excited, too. Don’t stay up too late, and be aware they’ll be all over him.”

“Who?”

“The girls,” April nodded. “I don’t know how Jenn puts up with it. You should’ve seen what it was like in Europe once they saw the cameras round him. Didn’t you say you had a boyfriend?”

“We broke up a while ago,” Missy shrugged. “It’s alright. I’m over it, whatever.”


	12. Mexico

DICO & VITO

“Yo,” Vito lifted a hand. “Why’d you change the gate code? I sat out there twenty minutes. Whose van is that?”

“We had to change it,” Dico gestured. “Come on in. There won’t be any filming today.”

“Jesus Christ,” Vito glanced around. “What sorta party you get up to while Bam’s away?”

“There’s no party,” Dico put his hands on his hips. “These are the guys measuring the new window. The place was destroyed when Jessie called me. She was lookin’ after the place.”

“Somebody broke in?”

“Well, in a manner of speaking,” Dico hesitated. “Jessie called the police. We watched as the handcuffs were pulled out and the back door slammed shut.”

“You’re kiddin’,” Vito took a seat. “Look at the TV. That lamp April loves, even if Bam picked it out for her.”

“We cleaned most of it up last night. Jessie broke down when she saw the cat tiptoeing around broken glass. I had to search through Phil’s office for how to change the gate code. Man, was she in a state.”

“Isn’t there some guy who lives down near the Hobbit Hole? Brandywine Eel, or somethin’?”

“She didn’t have his number,” Dico frowned. “Jessie was stuck in her bedroom hearing the crashes.”

“Does Bam know? You phone Ape and Phil yet?”

“Jessie did the deed earlier today. Man, he’s gonna be pissed.”

“Who?” Vito chuckled. “Bam or Phil? It’s not the cost. But she’s a crazy bitch. I was always telling him.”

“She’s not crazy,” Dico wiped his brow. “There’s the production company’s van. We’ll move the filming into the den. Wear this Mexican hat, Vito. And put on your grumpiest smile. I’ll tell the window repairmen not to ruin our shot - we don’t want this getting out.”

BAM, APRIL, PHIL

“I come back from a long ass flight,” Bam gestured. “I don’t have time for this. I thought she was at her mother’s?”

“Apparently not,” Phil glanced to April. “Ape, don’t give me that look. Bam, I’ll sort it. You’ve got enough to cover the repairs and buy new furniture.”

“That’s not the fuckin’ point,” Bam exploded. “Look around you, Phil.”

“Let him go,” April touched Phil’s arm. “He’ll be back in an hour. But I do wish he’d drive more carefully. That Lambo cost a lot.”

“He’s hurt, Ape,” Phil looked at the shards of a lamp. “Glue won’t fix it. He won’t show it, though.”

“Of course he won’t,” April chuckled. “I am being serious! Don’t tell me again. It’ll be awkward, I won’t pretend it’s not. But you know, there’s two sides to every story. Did you hear the radio this morning?”

“Oh, yeah,” Phil nodded. “Just as I was coming back to the house to pick you up. She spilled the beans. Said everyone but me was against her.”

“Well, that’s a crock,” April rolled her eyes. “It’s no secret Bam went around behind her back. And if the police are involved, I’m worried. I don’t know what’s happened to our family, Phil. All I think of is Jess, and Jessie. They’re our good ones. But I don’t want Bam falling bad.”

“I think it’s too late, Ape.”

JENN & MISSY

“Stiff parking out there,” Missy tossed her handbag on the bar stool. “Look at the lunch crowd. I’ll have what she’s having, please.”

“You’re always served first,” Jenn laughed. “I guess that’s the way of things. What were you like in high school, head cheerleader?”

“I was a bit of a rebel,” Missy scrunched up her nose. “Look, Jenn. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”

“I called you here ‘cos I needed  _ someone _ to talk to,'' Jenn stared. “I’ve felt so alone in that house. You know I have to go back into town later?”

“For a statement?”

“That, and other things. Like I’d go back. Can you do me a favor?”

“Of course,” Missy nodded.

“Can you get my things?” Jenn pleaded. “Only, he’s changed the gate code by now. And I bet he’ll let you in. It’s just some boxes I’ve forgotten about. I took the rest in my car before - well, before.”

“Sure,” Missy smiled. “You can count on me. And I promise, I’ll get your stuff back.”

“You’ve gotta finish your drink first,” Jenn nodded. “Liquid courage, and all that.”

MISSY & NOVAK

“Thanks for letting me in. Your voice was a bit scratchy on the intercom,” Missy glanced around. “I thought everything would be fixed by now.”

“You heard, then?” Novak poured himself a drink. “You want one? Ah, well. More for me.”

“Where’s Bam?”

“Not here,” Novak cleared his throat. “You here for Jenn’s stuff?”

“Course,” Missy nodded. “Why else?”

“It’ll be a shame,” Novak shook his head. “Bitch was crazy.”

“Don’t call her that,” Missy stiffened. “Is it through here? Can you give me a hand?”

“You’ve always been nice,” Novak grinned. “You’ve not said much, but everyone’s always buzzed around you. You know, Bam mentioned you the other day.”

“He wouldn’t have any business mentioning me,” Missy sniffed.

“Millionaire said he wanted you to have this. Go on, take it.”

“What, a business card?” Missy peered. “Let me put this stuff down. Who’s this agency?”

“Who do ya think?” Novak drained his drink. “It’s for your modeling, right? That’s what you’ve been banging on about whenever I see you girls huddled in a circle.”

“That’s not what we’re talking about,” Missy chuckled. “More like how you guys are out of control.”

“Well, there ya are. Bam wants to give you a start,” Novak nodded.

“Very convenient of him.”

“Yeah,” Novak stared. “He’s sick of crazy psycho bitches. That’s the Hummer pullin’ up now. You wanna stick around?”

“Ape and Phil are out there,” Missy sighed. “Well, I’ll have to.”

“I’m not the only one who’d like you to stick around,” Novak lifted his glass. “You know he’s interested, right?”


	13. Bam on the River

APRIL & PHIL

“Oh, how late back do you think they’ll be?” April closed her eyes. “Oh, don’t tell me. I know there’s cameramen there and crew members from the production company. And Vito will be pissed to go down that river.”

“He sure will,” Phil chuckled. “Least they’ve got a good send off at the lagoon.”

“That reminds me,” April squinted. “Missy asked me for a ride there. I thought she would be with Jenn.”

“I dunno, you talk to her more than me,” Phil breathed.

“Well, anyway,” April shrugged. “I can hardly exclude her. Do you know how many girls will be at the lagoon? Bam wants to have a party at the castle afterwards. Without Jenn there, the place will be a wreck.”

“I’ve been telling ya, you’ve gotta let it go,” Phil glanced over. “He has to learn to do his own housekeeping at some point. You’re exhausted, I can tell, Ape.”

RAAB & JENN

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” Raab glanced around. “Heh, guess it’s a free country. What video you rentin’?”

“None good here,” Jenn sniffed. “I figure just a night in. So. Has he said anything?”

“Jenn, you can’t be serious,” Raab exclaimed. “Course he has. So has everyone else. The lines are drawn. I shouldn’t even be speaking to you.”

“Why?” Jenn stared. “It’s not like you’re his friend anymore. I heard you had a fallout.”

“It’s all the drinking,” Raab mumbled. “I’ve gotta get my life in shape.”

“So do I,” Jenn drew herself up. “You know, I didn’t think she’d go behind my back.”

“Nah, me neither,” Raab glanced at his feet. “But they’re in love.”

“Oh bullshit,” Jenn sneered. “I’ve been with him since the start. You’re telling me - “

“I’m sayin’,” Raab shrugged. “I’m just sayin’, he liked her since he was in high school.”

“Raab, we’ve known each other long enough. You don’t need to beat around the bush,” Jenn pressed. “But be honest. She can’t put up with what I’ve had to.”

“I’m not beating round the bush,” Raab argued. “I’m bein’ honest. Perhaps she’ll rein him in. Perhaps she won’t, and he’ll go off and live his own life.”

“He doesn’t deserve his own life,” Jenn bit. “Don’t you see?”

“Nobody’s gonna stop him,” Raab pulled a video from the rack. “You know, I didn’t realise it. But she looks like this chick from  _ Scream _ .”

“Barely,” Jenn scathed. “So this is it? We’re not to see each other anymore?”

“It’s difficult. It’s awkward,” Raab shuffled. “You know it’s a small town. I wish the best for yer… but I can’t say it’s gunna be easy.”

“Oh, don’t worry about me,” Jenn sniffed. “I’ll make it, and so will you. There’s life outside Westchester.”

PHIL & MISSY

“April should be back soon,” Missy craned her neck from the backseat. “Thanks for taking me along, Phil. The lagoon’s quite a drive out.”

“Ah, no problem,” Phil gestured. “Ape’s just gettin’ some snacks from the drive. You know how expensive gas is gettin’ nowadays?”

“I know we haven’t talked about it,” Missy stared. “And I want to apologise. It’s all so sudden… “

“Don’t apologise,” Phil turned round. “It’s Bam’s life, and yours. You two are adults. Besides, it’s just coincidence.”

“Yes.”

“Do you see her anymore? Jenn?”

“We don’t really speak anymore,” Missy sniffed. “Oh, I see April.”

“There she is. You know she likes you, Missy. We all do.”

“Oh, thanks Phil. So, is Jessie coming in her own car?”

“She’ll meet us back at the house,” Phil leaned over to push open April’s door. “Any snacks for us, Ape? I’m hungry.”

APRIL & PHIL

“Oh, I’m so glad we’re home,” April dumped her handbag. “Let’s leave the castle to Bam. I’ve got so much work to do it’s not even funny.”

“He seemed pretty happy,” Phil opened and closed the pantry. “Who do ya think those girls are he invited back to his place? That slide’s a hazard. He’ll break his neck.”

“Oh, they’re all from the lagoon,” April swung her leg over the other. “Can you pass me that cushion, Phil? Thanks. Oh, my back’s so stiff. I could do with a massage.”

“What’s that?”

“If you’re lookin’ for food, I’ll rustle something up in a moment,” April rubbed her temple. “I need a hot mug of tea and some of Jessie’s bubble bath.”

“She’s staying there,” Phil called. “Dunno why. She was more Jenn’s friend than Missy’s.”

“I saw them,” April joined Phil in the kitchen. “No, in the other cupboard. Let me boil this jug and I’ll pop that in the microwave. Jessie probably just wants to make sure the family’s stickin’ together. She’s so thoughtful, that girl.”

“I saw her sitting on the balcony with Missy,” Phil scratched the hamburger decal on his shirt. “I wouldn’t say everything’s perfect between them.”

“Well, they can hardly claw each other’s eyes out,” April watched the microwave. “I think I’ve pressed the wrong button. My eyesight’s going Phil, what does that say?”

“Here, I’ll fix it. You go sit down. I’ll give Jessie a call. We can put her on speakerphone.”

“She’ll still be at the party,” April frowned. “Come sit with me, Phil. Yes, you can join me in the sitting room.”

“I won’t spill crumbs,” Phil groaned. “Sorry. Here’s another cushion.”

“Thanks. You know, Jenn had a ring. It makes me wonder,” April rustled her hair. “Do you think Bam’s serious? The show’s winding up. What do you think he’ll do next?”

“Whaddaya think, Ape,” Phil chuckled. “Vito reminds us every day. Bam’ll do whatever the fuck he wants.”

“Language!” April scolded. “But I suppose you’re right. We’ll just have to brave the storm, Phil. Whatever comes. Hand me the phone, Phil. I’ve gotta hear our daughter’s voice… “


	14. Engagement Party

**PART 2 - BAM'S UNHOLY UNION**

BAM & MISSY

“You tell ‘em, babe,” Bam smiled.

“Well,” Missy began. “And Ape, Phil, I know you won’t want too much detail. Bam after all made quite a fuss in Cartier. But he got down on bended knee and said, how about it?”

“It was more than that,” Bam shook Missy’s knee. “We’re havin’ a show. No! Not like Viva la Bam. Viva la  _ Grande _ . No, that’s the workin’ title.”

“What he means is,” Missy smiled. “We’re gonna film everything up to the wedding. Oh, April. Here’s a tissue. And Phil, you big softie. It’s going to be alright. Trust me. I’ll keep Bam well in hand.”

DICO & RAKE

“Look at all these kids,” Rake despaired. “They’re clogging up your store. When I was younger… “

“You’ve always been old, Rake,” Dico smiled. “Hey! No fingerprints on the counter. Besides, I only work here.”

“You may as well own it,” Rake frowned. “You know everything there is about model figurines and board games. Don’t tell you haven’t been offered a promotion.”

“As manager? Puh-leese,” Dico scoffed. “The owner wants a tight rein. Revenue’s not what it was. And my girl wants to get married soon. If I’m gonna have kids, yeah I’ve gotta pay for ‘em, but I’ll be there to help raise ‘em, make no mistake.”

“Speaking of kids raised bad, you heard from Bam?”

“I got the news,” Dico shrugged. “Good for him.”

“You going?”

“To his wedding? Probably,” Dico raised his eyebrows. “What? We can’t not.”

“He’s different,” Rake shook his head.

“You were always his victim, and mine, I’ll admit,” Dico checked the till and counted cash. “But you’re right. We’re all leading our own lives. He’s gettin’ married. The high point’s over. Even Raab’s gone.”

“He’s got so many new friends, it’s hard to keep track. I go round there,” Rake shook his head. “They couldn’t name his favourite food or what school he went to. Only that he’s loaded and got a hot girlfriend.”

“You heard from Jenn?” Dico snickered. “I feel bad for her. She was living with her mom for a while, but she’s not totally out of state. She can’t expect a new life staying in familiar surroundings.”

“It was her life he ruined,” Rake raised his eyebrows. “Why should she move?”

“Cos Bam’s the star, and everyone’s on his side.”

“And you?” Rake frowned.

“After this, I’m out,” Dico slammed the till back. “Hey, you kids! Don’t touch that, you’ll break it! Sorry. I mean, look what I’ve got here. I can’t pick up after Bam all day. If he’s getting married, I’ll put it on his wife to clean up his mess. I’ll go my own way.”

“Well said, brother,” Rake nodded.

APRIL & PHIL

“Oh, this must be the place. I hope my dress isn’t ruined. I gave it a quick once over before we left… “ April glanced in the back. “Jessie’s left her scarf. Well, she won’t need it in there.”

“It’s quite a crowd, Ape,” Phil pocketed his car keys. “This Doc Magrogan was more n’ happy to host Bam’s shindig.”

“It’s free press,” April sniffed. “You should’ve seen the queue for my cookbook down at the bookstore. I hated that photo but they insisted it was the best one - oh, there’s Jessie, ah, we’ve missed her. I’ll never find her in that crowd.”

“Oh, he wants to take our coats - thank you, thank you. Man it’s hot in here. Do you see ‘em?”

“It’s dark and smoky and full of liquor,” April chuckled. “Just how Bam likes it. I see Missy’s family over there. Grab me a seat at the booth, Phil. And some peanuts if they have ‘em. Oh, and don’t let Novak see me. Good god, I hate that felon.”

MISSY & JESSICA ROTHSTEIN

“Are you going to ask Bam’s sister as your bridesmaid?” Jessica asked. “Cos it’ll be awkward, you know, when the officiant announces the same name twice… “

“I asked her, and she’ll be coming to the bachelorette party,” Missy nodded. “You know, you can quiet things down. I heard you’ve been studying like I did at Penn State.”

“Which was what?”

“Partying,” Missy stuck out her tongue. “Drinking, socialising, the usual.”

“I have to do something to burn off the stress,” Jessica laughed. “Speaking of, Bam’s a hoot, isn’t he? Those fingerless gloves. For all we’ve known him, he’s not really changed a bit.”

“People forget that,” Missy shrugged. “Sometimes I have to remind people. I’ve known Bam since middle school. Just because I’m not in many of the photographs.”

“Well, you were dating whats-his-face,” Jessica raised her eyebrows.

“Mmm,” Missy rolled her eyes. “Don’t remind me. All he did was want me to be quiet around his frat friends. Bam at least lets me be me. And his partying, while wild and crazy, lets me get loose too.”

“I’ve had to tell people,” Jessica smiled. “You’re not a headband-wearing prayer girl. You get loose with the best of them. You know, Missy, guys like to put you on a pedestal. And now it’ll be easier once you’re Bam’s wife.”

“My life’s not over,” Missy frowned. “This is just the start. I want to be a model, or at least a photographer. Trust me, once this show is over, Bam’ll stop all his shenanigans. Even if skates for a living, I don’t care. But the madness has to stop.”

“It’ll be hard,” Jessica sipped her drink. “Oh, I recognise him. Who’s he?”

“One of Bam’s skateboarder friends. The one who’s dating Bam’s sister.”

“Well, he looks cheerful. And where’s she gone?”

“She probably popped to the ladies’,” Missy glanced.

“I haven’t been introduced, but I figure they’ll last,” Jessica nodded.

“Why’s that?”

“I dunno,” Jessica took another sip and shrugged. “I saw them take off their coats. They smiled at one another and split up to mingle. I dunno about you, but check out that girl with Seth. She’s been clinging to his side all night, and he never gives  _ her _ a second look.”


	15. New York

APRIL & MISSY

“Oh, Missy,” April gushed. “That is the one. You must pick  _ that _ one. Don’t you agree, Marian?”

“Mom will agree with you on everything,” Missy smiled. “Could I try the next on, please? Thank you. Oh, some champagne. Drink up, ladies!”

“We’ll be tipsy by the time we get to lunch,” April chuckled. “Marian, sit closer to me. I want to hear all about why you never come to my salon anymore. Oh, I’ll forgive  _ that _ , I suppose. And is, uh, Kevin, is it? Is he coming to the wedding?”

“He’s coming, right mom?” Missy peered. “I did tell him. And now that he’s moved in, you’ll have the place to yourself. Well, at least until Jessica graduates and moves back in again.”

“Oh, I tell you I’m so glad I had at least one daughter,” April smiled. “Marian, you must be so proud of Missy. My Jessie’s seeing someone, well it sort of came about in a roundabout sort of way. But they’ve always had eyes for each other, even if Phil reminds me it was one sided for a while. But he’s good, she’s good. Yes, I have asked her, but she’s given me no information on  _ that _ score… no, but she’s got a job at the Lilypad. Yes, that’s where Missy’s getting her wedding stationery done, I know… perhaps she can run you a discount, ha.“

MARIAN & JESSICA ROTHSTEIN

“It’s been a while since I’ve been to New York,” Marian chuckled. “It’s just up here. No, the restaurant’s through there. I know, the streets are set up a weird way. Jessica, you coming?”

“I was taking photos,” Jessica slipped her camera inside her purse. “Is this the place? Wow, this is fancy. Gilt leaf on the walls and look at those tablecloths!”

“I suppose you’re used to the college cafeteria, my girl,” Marian smiled. “Sit next to me. I’ve taken the lion’s share of Missy’s attention today. It’ll be good for her and April to talk.”

“You reckon April will still cook and clean for Bam? Mom, don’t make that face. It’s a legit question, you know.”

“Perhaps this is the modern girl talking,” Marian rolled her eyes. “But April is not their maid. I raised three daughters, thank you. And Missy will help just as - just as  _ that other girl _ did.”

“You don’t need to whisper, Mom. I know you mean Jenn.”

“Quiet! Now they’re staring.”

“That’s because the waiter’s coming,” Jessica glanced. “Oh, thank you. Mom, here’s your menu. Take a look at this dessert. And I want you to trust me when I say it’s worth the money.”

MISSY & MARIAN

“Sorry,” Missy smiled. “It’s in here somewhere.”

“She’s like her mother,” Marian smiled at the cashier. “But gosh, look at this place. Madison Avenue! You’re the first place on our list, no wonder you get our business. Found it yet, Missy?”

“Here it is, sorry. I’m always losing things in this purse.”

“You know, Missy,” Marian winked to the cashier. “That’s why God gives credit cards. So you can buy  _ another _ .”

“I’ve already bought enough,” Missy smiled. “Let’s pop out to the SUV and I’ll chuck these bags in the back. I think we’re meeting April at Barney’s. Do you know they have a rooftop deck?”

“We’ve had lunch,” Marian exclaimed. “Honestly, Missy. Just between you and me. Promise I won’t ask again - “

“He didn’t tell me, Mom. He just gave me the card. I don’t know the limit.”

“It’s so extravagant,” Marian shook her head. “I’m not telling you  _ not _ to spend. But just keep an eye out. Perhaps he’s testing you.”

“He’s not testing me, Mom. We’ve known each other since middle school.”

“I’m just sayin’,” Marian glanced up. “Oh, there’s April and your sister. Let’s bundle them in. We’ve got an hour’s drive home, and I want to try out my new foot massager. Have you heard from your grandma? We drove past a nice retirement home on the way here… “


	16. Hollywood

BAM & MISSY

“Babe, you’re on my dress,” Missy leaned over for a kiss. “Please stop jiggling your leg. You’re makin’ me more nervous than ever.”

“Why?” Bam sneered. “It’s only a premiere. And it’s only the second one.”

“It’s red carpet,” Missy checked her purse. “God, I hope I haven’t forgotten anything. Your mom’s brought a wrap, I should’ve done that. Remind me to ask your sister what shade of lipstick she’s wearing.”

“Just go ask her! You feel how hot it is in this limo? God, I need a drink.”

“I think I will,” Missy paused. “Oh my god. We’re here. What - what is Steve-O doing?”

“Are we gettin’ out?” Bam asked the driver. “What traffic? What kind of a queue?”

“April, please tell me you see that,” Missy glanced around. “Phil? Jessie? Is he doing what I think he is? We’re gonna have to hold our dresses. If the wind shifts, we’ll all stink of pee.”

APRIL & PHIL

“Look at the cameras,” April got out of the limo. “Hold my hand, Phil. Smile, blink, repeat. I don’t know why a client at the salon said that, but it works. Oh, the smell! He doesn’t care a whiff about how it comes out, does he?”

“Steve-O’s a madman, just like our son,” Phil waved. “Look at the turnout. You see Johnny?”

“Well there’s a stable influence,” April chuckled. “Jessie, keep up! You’d go crazy living in LA. All those paparazzi stalking you. I guess it’s no better than hearing teenagers knock on our door at two in the morning asking where Bam lives, or what the gate code is.”

“That reminds me, we gotta get a new mattress,” Phil heaved. “I’ll crunch the numbers, we’ll be alright.”

MISSY & KAT VON D

“Love the dress,” Kat smiled. “You must be exhausted.”

“Already?” Missy smiled. “Well, I hope not. I’ve heard they blink the lights twice when we’re to enter the cinema. But look at this crowd. I’ll grab us some champagne.”

“It’s piss poor,” Kat winced. “You’ll want to come to the after party. This is just the reception.”

“I’ll be glad for a smoke,” Missy yawned. “I dunno how long I’ll stay.”

“Do you see who I see?” Kat pointed. “Just over there, talkin’ to your fiancee’s sister.”

“Is that Stifler?”

“You can call him that, but I’m sure he’d prefer Seann,” Kat chuckled. “I wonder if he’s got any tattoos. I’d like to get him under the needle.”

JASON ELLIS & TIM O’CONNOR

“Yo, this is crazy,” Tim swigged his beer. “I’ve never been to an after party before. Look at all the legs on couches and that chandelier! Bam’s the real deal.”

“I wonder what the movie was like,” Jason shrugged. “Figure I’ll see it sometime. I’m not too worried. It’s only luck we were in the area for the X Games.”

“Man, that Jake Brown,” Tim shook his head. “I’d never survive a fall like that. And he got up!”

“He’s a trooper,” Jason nodded. “I hear Danny Way will be goin’ next year. Didn’t you meet him once?”

“Yeah, at Bam’s castle,” Tim laughed. “Speaking of, he’s round here somewhere.”

“He’d better be, it’s his movie!”

“And Knoxville’s,” Tim shook his bottle. “I’m goin’ for another. You want one?”

“Thanks. Ah, that’s better,” Jason pointed. “That’s his fiancee, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s Missy. You should’ve brought Lisa.”

“She’s at the hospital with her mom, things aren’t looking too good,” Jason stared at her feet. “They’re big on religion, so the whole holding hands, kumbaya thing. I dig it, she’s cool. I’m thinking of popping the question.”

“No way!”

“Oh, yeah,” Jason grinned. “You gotta think serious sometime. How ‘bout you and Jessie?”

“Dude, it’s only been a couple years. Gimme a bit of space.”

“You’ve met her parents and her crazy brother,” Jason raised his eyebrows. “How much longer you gonna let her hang? She met your ‘fandamily’ yet?

“Nah, not yet,” Tim belched. “She’s seen my place in Jersey but we haven’t made it official. She’s busy with work and I’ve got my career, ya know. It’s all taken care of.”

“You better lock her down,” Jason fist pumped. “She’s a sweet girl, and you can tell she wants to go places. I heard from Bam she used to date Danny Way?”

“That’s bull,” Tim shook his head. “He was just polite. We’ve discussed it.”

“And you? You’re keeping your revolver in the holster?”

“What sorta lingo they teach you Down Under? Yeah, I’ve got my chastity belt strapped tight. Don’t tell her I said that. You know how hard she punches. And me? I’ll let her roam _my_ valleys.”

“Dude, that sounds weird,” Jason frowned. “Don’t say that.”


	17. Christmas

PHIL & HANNA

“What’s happenin’ there?” Hanna fisted his chest and covered his mouth. “Sorry. Late night.”

“Bam’s pulling down a tree for Christmas,” Phil shielded his eyes. “Dunno why it has to be from our backyard.”

“Mom kills me if I don’t mow the lawn on time,” Hanna folded his arms. “Listen to that crash. They towin’ it? There’ll be pine needles up and down the street.”

“You comin’ to the wedding?” Phil waved to a couple. “That reminds me, I’ve got some of their post. Spose I’ve gotta start somewhere getting on the neighbor’s good side again. They probably threw a party back when Bam first moved to the castle.”

“You Margeras are always high in our eyes, Phil,” Hanna grinned. “I’ve got fond memories of this place from back in high school.”

“Oh, boy,” Phil raised his eyebrows. “There’s Ape. I better go in.”

APRIL & MISSY

“I’ve been wracking my brain but no ideas,” Missy shrugged. “Thanks for doing this, Ape.”

“Well, off camera there's a lot more I can tell ya,” April chuckled. “For starters, one of these dishes work better. And you have to set the oven dial - no! Just a little lower. You want to prep it first. And don’t do what my Jessie did and forget the oven gloves. It was only one time, mind you, but Bam gave her a hard time over it.”

“Where is she?”

“Oh, I’ve gone through this meal with her. She prefers takeout, I’m sure all you young folk do nowadays. Just ring a number and your food arrives! Well, call me old fashioned.”

“That’s the camera crew,” Missy raised her eyebrows. “Let’s go over the script one more time. I’m dyin’ for a manicure after this. You’re welcome to come with?”

NOVAK & BAM

“Dude, look at ‘em lining the streets,” Novak chuckled. “They’re all here for you. Man, this horse stinks. You ever think this would happen?”

“Yeah,” Bam grinned. “You can read me like a book. You know I don’t care ‘bout these idiots. Half of them would throw stones if they got the chance.”

“You keep destroying the neighborhood,” Novak laughed. “We may as well be in a zoo. Flinging shit at each other, for God’s sake.”

“Now that’s an idea,” Bam lifted a finger. “Hold the reins.”

APRIL & TIM O’CONNOR

“Tim! What are you doing here?” April lit up. “Phil! They’re back. Oh, where’s Jessie?”

“She’s unpackin’. C’mere and give me a hug. Oh yeah, Phil, what’s happenin’?”

“Good to see ya,” Phil nodded. “Jessie? Oh, right. Well, come on in. We missed her, but we’ve saved lots of leftovers.”

“ _ Some _ leftovers,” April rolled her eyes. “So, tell us! How was it bringing her to meet your family at this time of year?”

“Oh, it was great,” Tim raised his eyebrows. “Plenty of eggnog. She joined in on my mom’s caroling, they gave us a night to break out the beer. She smiled, she laughed, she’s a real hoot, Phil.”

“And thank me,” April chuckled. “It’s partly because of me she’s so well brought up. Her grandma - my mom - had a hand, too. You know she used to do cross stitching?”

“I saw her with one of those, what do you call it? Asked her if she wanted to go back in the medieval times.”

“Hey, it’s a thing nowadays. Right, Phil? And I subscribe to a magazine which gives you a new pattern every month.”

“Well, hey - oh, there she is - I better help unpack. I figure she’s had to meet my folks, she’ll be exhausted enough as it is.”

“Phil, put the kettle on,” April waved. “And I’ll get Jessie’s present. Oh, I hope she’s hungry… and don’t touch the pecan pie! It was hard enough gettin’ it out of Vito’s hands the other night.”


	18. Bridal Shower

MISSY & BAM

“Babe,” Missy laughed. “Come sit down. Where’d you guys come from?”

“Me, Dico and Novak thought we’d pop by,” Bam smirked. “See what all this fuss is about. You ordering wedding stationery? I like this one.”

“It’s medieval, calligraphic, like parchment,” Missy flourished. “Dico, don’t touch that! Novak, please just - please put your pants on. See, I have to apologise for you at every place we go to.”

“They don’t mind, do ya?” Bam grinned. “Hey, Dico, you’re right. Isn’t this the place Jessie works at?”

“Yes, but she’s on her break,” Missy raised her eyebrows. “Guys, can you put the cameras down? Yes, Bam, but the production company thought it was better for the narrative to exclude her.”

“So you’ve got all the other employees waitin’ on ya hand and foot,” Bam laughed. “I’ll leave ya to it. Tell Jessie hi for me. I never see her nowadays.”

“You’d see her less if you were busier planning our wedding more!” Missy called. “Thank god he’s gone. Sometimes he gets on my nerves. Sorry, where were we?”

BAM & DICO

“Yo, you gotta be easier on her,” Dico smirked. “Can you turn that radio down? I know it’s your Hummer… “

“Yer damn right,” Bam raised his eyebrows. “I gotta put on some CKY. Hometown flair. Missy’s alright, y’know. She knows it’s part of the package.”

“I reckon she’s a good girl,” Dico pointed. “Let’s stop at Antonio’s, I’m famished. But you know she’ll want you to wind all this down once you’ve got a ring on her finger.”

“Well, tough shit,” Bam chuckled. “Life was boring as fuck back when I was skateboarding under a bridge with Tim O’Connor and those guys from school. Now I’ve got cameras and cash in the bank. Who knows, maybe another show? They want us to film a pregnancy if one happens.”

“A little Bam,” Dico sniggered. “What could be worse?”

APRIL & MARIAN

“Look at this table,” April smiled. “You see, Marian. In rare times, I can clean up Bam’s house just enough to decorate this well.”

“I have no objection,” Marian raised her eyebrows. “I’ve seen it and sometimes it looks like a bomb’s hit it - of course, that’s only when Missy’s been away for a couple days.”

“Away?” April frowned. “Oh, she’ll be going on her bachelorette party soon, won’t she?”

“She’s looking forward to it,” Marian glanced. “That’s Missy leading the girls in. We have cutlery, glasses, napkins, the works! I don’t mind telling you I couldn’t have done this without your help.”

“A shared effort,” April chuckled. “Oh, here they are. Surprise!”

“Open mine first,” Marian glanced at April. “Well, you know what they say. The smallest present can sometimes be the best.”


	19. Bachelorette Party

BAM & JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

“Good to see ya again,” Johnny shook hands. “You seen this suite? Yeah, through here. Just as big as the one we held the after party in.”

“I’m glad I didn’t have to pay for damages,” Bam chuckled. “I will this time, I bet. Did you walk in on Steve-O with those two chicks?”

“It’s a while ago now,” Johnny scratched his neck. “He’s doin’ alright, you know. But nah, I didn’t seem him. Too busy makin’ the rounds, sellin’ the movie!”

“And you’re thinking of a third?” Bam smirked. “My show’s about over - oh, look at this! Sweet. And a jacuzzi bath.”

“You’d think you’d not be so impressed, traveling as you do,” Johnny put his hands on his hips.

“It’s still a killer,” Bam nodded. “Sometimes I take it for granted. Other times I don’t give a damn. But y’know, I don’t like to let my soft side show. It was easier during  _ Jackass _ , you were clearly the king. Always taking more pain, asking if the camera got it right than if you’d need a medic.”

“Nah, Bam,” Johnny clapped him on the shoulder. “You’ve got it in your stride. You’ve been your own man and a household name for a while now.”

“So about that  _ Jackass 3 _ ?” Bam grinned. “I’m rearing up for a comeback.”

“I’ve gotta get shit sorted first,” Johnny wiped his glasses. “You know I’m expectin’ a kid. I’ve gotta put family first.”

MARIAN & JESSICA ROTHSTEIN

“I’ve never been to Palm Springs,” Jessica sniffed. “Is this where we check in? It’s so light and airy. You’d think we were in heaven.”

“I can see cigarette butts in the potted plant,” Marian sniffed. “Course, I forgot to bring my lighter. Do you think they’ll have one from a member of staff?”

“I think we’re this way, Mom. And you can borrow mine, or Missy’s,” Jessica opened the door. “Look! Chocolate mints under the pillows. I’m goin’ to check what channels they have.”

“Rest up, my girl,” Marian smiled. “You don’t mind if I borrow your lighter now, do you? That drive was too long. And remember, we have to film an outdoor shot with all the gals later tonight.”

MISSY & BRIANNA

“This is  _ so _ nice,” Bri relaxed in the bed. “Do you think they’ll do our close up soon?”

“It’s so invasive, I know,” Missy giggled. “But look at it this way. It’ll help you get over whats-his-face. And who knows? People may stop you in the street and offer you their card.”

“That’s bullshit, Miss,” Bri smiled. “Has Bam set you up yet? You said you were fine with that Playboy shoot, right?”

“And I am,” Missy curled her hair. “Well, not totally. But it’s done now! And if I get a decent gig after this, then I can say I’m pulling my weight. Cos there’s no way I’ll earn as much as Bam.”

“Did he tell you?”

“No, but I overheard him talking to Phil once, and you know how Bam likes to run on.”


	20. The Unholy Union

APRIL & PHIL

“Can you believe it,” April screwed up her nose. “You’d think there’d be a decent toilet at the castle, but no. And where did Bam put all of ours?”

“Who knows,” Phil heaved. “A toilet’s a toilet, Ape.”

“You’ve been spending too much time around Vito,” April clucked her tongue.

“He’s my brother, Ape.”

“Well, in any case,” April sniffed. “You see what he’s got on the ramp outside? Careful Phil, I’ve just brewed a fresh pot, unless you’d like some?”

“What is it? He looks like he’s peeing,” Phil peered.

“It’s one of those, well from the men’s room,” April shook her head. “How do you install a urinal on a ramp, I ask you?”

“Glomb’s probably involved,” Phil shrugged. “You see him round?”

“Looking for things to build, or destroy,” April took a sip. “Ah, that’s better. You know, between you and me, and I know she’s busy - “

“Course she’s busy, Ape. She’s plannin’ a wedding.”

“I hope this place starts to look tidier,” April patted her bob. “Novak and the other guy - what’s his name? - Brandywine Eel, who I’ve heard, asked his girlfriend to move in. What sort of a cattle ranch is he running?”

“I agree,” Phil nodded. “He can’t invite every fair weather friend who hops along. Stuff will get stolen.”

“At least Missy being here makes the place look respectable,” April pinched her neck. “Without her, it’s a bunch of frat boys with the largest club in Westchester.”

“Is Jessie here?” Phil glanced up. “Tim’s out on the ramp, you know.”

“Oh, is he?” April joined beside him. “I’ll call her down. She’s probably getting ready for when we drive to the hotel. Have you seen the ballroom? Marian and I took a quick visit when we were in New York and it’s  _ quite _ fancy… oh what’s that ruckus?”

BAM & NOVAK

“Dude, they got any more painkillers?” Novak winced.

“Sit back,” Bam urged. “Look at you. Not a care in the world.”

“If they give me more I’ll be coastin, brother,” Novak grinned. “They’ve gotta have a key around here somewhere.”

“You think if I find one, I’ll share ‘em with you?” Bam raised his eyebrows. “You know you can’t be my best man.”

“I did your stupid stunts,” Novak coloured.

“Jess  _ has _ to be my best man,” Bam shook his head. “Relax. You’re putting too much pressure on it.”

“It itches, man. My leg itches,” Novak yawned. “Get one of those hot nurses in here. You know how long it’s been since I’ve banged a chick?”

“Less than forty eight hours,” Bam chuckled.

APRIL & MARIAN

“Look at them,” April shook her head. Oh, I’m not sitting on my camera, am I? Not that I can take pictures with all these cameramen about.”

“I have some tissues,” Marian fumbled. “Excuse me. I see the way he looks at her… “

“And quite a turnout,” April glanced over her shoulder. “I suppose I should have expected the reverend to wear jeans. It is Bam, after all.”

“The music’s starting,” Marian whispered. “We’d better stand. You don’t mind if I hold onto you for comfort?”

“Oh, not at all,” April chuckled. “Oh, here they come. Blink and smile. I’ll need those tissues later, Marian. I’m fine, really.”

DAVE ENGLAND & TIM O’CONNOR

“Free bar, eh?” Dave lifted a hand. “Champagne, anything cuts it these days. Cheers.”

“Man, I’m hungry,” Tim yawned. “Long ass drive in this traffic. Spose it was longer for you?”

“You bet,” Dave shook his head. “Look at all these people. I’m glad cocktail hour lasts for only that.”

“Bam’s in his element,” Tim lifted a finger from his bottle.

“You’re dating his sister, right?” Dave craned his neck. “She’s one of the bridesmaids?”

“She came in on Hanna’s arm,” Tim chuckled. “He’s never looked redder. They went to prom together, I think.”

“You know, not to ruin the mood,” Dave hesitated. “But take my advice. Don’t get married. It’s a shitshow.”

“What?”

“It is,” Dave sniffed. “You’re fightin’ all the time, you’re sleeping on the couch and once the baby comes, your wife’ll be laid up. There’s no sex. It’s like walking on eggshells for the better part of the year, and that’s not including waking up at two in the morning if it’s your turn to feed.”

“Man, you make it sound a headache,” Tim chuckled. “I dunno, I’ve gotta have one one day. A mini-Tim. Perhaps I’ll call him that. You’ve given me a good idea, buddy. Welp, there go the crowd. Let’s find our table and dig in before Vito grabs the leftovers.”

“Can you believe he was invited?” Dave whispered.


	21. Honeymoon

NOVAK & BRANDYWINE EEL

“No shit,” Novak grinned. “Nah, my leg’s fine. What about you? How’s that chick o’ yours?”

“Gentleman never tells,” Brandywine Eel nodded. “We got any more beer in the fridge?”

Novak leaned over the couch. “Yo, Jessie! You goin’ out later? She never listens. There she goes.”

“She’s here to keep  _ us _ on the straight and narrow,” Brandywine Eel chuckled. “You ever been to Dubai?”

“Nah,” Novak paused. “All that sand, isn’t it? And guys wearin’ robes. No thanks.”

“Lucky Bam,” Brandywine Eel threw back his drink. “And Missy’ll be here full time.”

“She’s already moved in,” Novak eyed the liquor. “You know I shouldn’t. Ape thinks I’ll go on a bender and steal Bam’s stuff.”

“You’ve done it before, friend,” Brandywine Eel belched. “That’s why Bam chucked me in the barn down by the Hobbit Hole.”

“Well, good for you,” Novak sneered. “Life’s sweet and easy, isn’t it? Wish I could travel. But it seems every day the cops give me warrants. They won’t leave me in peace.”

“Suck it up, brother,” Brandywine Eel nodded.

APRIL & MARIAN ROTHSTEIN

“Oh, but it pains me, you know?” April set her handbag down. “You can smell the perfume in here. I’m sure I’ve never worn anything this strong. But I do like this little tier of sandwiches they’ve given us.”

“Pass your cup, April. I’ll pour,” Marian glanced. “The lace on the curtains is divine. And the waitresses are always smiling. It’s a place away from home, I’ll tell you. I think they’re only new.”

“Then we must capitalise on that,” April chuckled. “Before they realise that turnover will only bring local kids in, and for when they think they need to change the menu to get new business. I’ve seen it for as long as I’ve lived here. A cafe will change from their original vision to get revenue and lose their core business and wonder why they have to fold.”

“It shocks me,” Marian tutted. “Have you heard from Bam?”

“No. Have you heard from Missy?”

“Of course,” Marian sipped her tea. “Oh, that’s good. And the little cucumber sandwiches. April, take this one. I insist.”

“Thank you. So what does Missy say?”

“They’re living it up over there!” Marian beamed. “I can hardly expect them not to. Reality will hit them like a freight truck. When my husband was alive… “

“Oh, I am sorry. Please forget I said anything.”

“No, no. You see, since Kevin moved in - and the girls have got used to him as their stepfather, thank God - and you’ll know this with Phil, but the shine wears off. It always does. And I worry if Missy doesn’t have him in hand by then.”

“From the look on your face, I’m figuring you want some advice?”

“How did that  _ other girl _ cope? She had a ring, didn’t she?”

“They were only engaged,” April shrugged. “Bam won’t talk about it though. But Jenn had him well in hand. But to be fair, that was before all the cameras.”

“I don’t want to start doubting them,” Marian popped a sandwich in her mouth. “Oh, the tier’s almost empty. Excuse me! Could we have some more? They’re so quick here… “

“Missy will adjust,” April nodded. “They’ve known each other since high school. And Jenn  _ was _ Bam’s babysitter, a deal older than him. They’re in love - Bam and Missy, I mean, ha.”

MISSY & JESSICA ROTHSTEIN

“You should be here, honestly,” Missy pulled the curtain. “The view is amazing. Yes, we got the penthouse suite. And all the shopping! I’ll have to buy another suitcase on the flight back.”

“When I graduate, I’ll have to think about doing a trip,” Jessica mused. “Can you hear me alright? No, that’s the lawn mower. Kevin’s doing the rounds. I’m only at home for a little bit.”

“It’s not long to go,” Missy laid on the bed. “Are you prepared for your exams? I know I wasn’t.”

“I know I have to get a decent job after this,” Jessica sighed. “How did they take it?”

“Who?”

“Your old employer. 21 North.”

“Well, Beth - you know, my friend Beth from college? - she’s got a little sign shop in Westchester. I’ll pitch in and help her. But to answer your question, they didn’t seem surprised. And they filled the post quicker than I thought.”

“It’s all the students,” Jessica tutted. “And don’t think it’s personal. They have to get someone in quick or they lose a lot of business. Trust me. I’ve been in a lot of bars.”

“I’m sure you have,” Missy laughed. “You know, Bam wants to open his own? No, he’ll just set it up and visit occasionally. I don’t know, but he’s thinking of calling it The Note.”

“Your life’s a dream,” Jessica giggled. “Tell me when it gets old, Missy. I’ll be there to hold your hand.”

“It’s not getting old,” Missy replied. “I’ll tell you what, sister of mine. Bam’s settling down, whether he wants it or not. And I’m going to be a model, the calls have already started coming in. But I’m not sure about the production company. They want to film my reaction to my pregnancy. But I don’t think that’ll happen anytime soon… no, I don’t think so. But there’s this place out in Paoli where - yes. Well, I only told mom at the time, but I did have my eggs frozen. Don’t ask me why! I just didn’t figure on having children at that time when I was dating that other whackjob.”


	22. Where The F Is Santa?

**PART 3 - EVER AFTER**

APRIL & MISSY

“Oh, hon,” April smiled. “I’m glad you called me over, but you know the production company cleans up their  _ own _ messes. Surely you must have seen it - well, during Viva la Bam? You were only there near the end? Oh yes, I remember now. It’s off camera when Bam calls me to come round with a dustpan and brush, and any number of ingredients to stock the cupboards.”

“Like he’d know how to cook,” Missy laughed. “I’ll boil the jug. Novak left the sugar lid off and he got water in there so I’m afraid it’ll have to be just milk, or black.”

“Black’s fine,” April called. “This sofa’s comfortable. I’m glad it’s broken in.”

“Bam jumped on it from the landing,” Missy raised her eyebrows. “You see all the flour? And I have to handle Bam’s uncle and Mark the Bagger while they make havoc.”

“You call him Bam’s uncle, I call him my brother,” April chuckled. “No, it’s fine. Phil has his fair share of oddities from  _ his _ side of the tree; Matt’s alright, but did you hear that story?”

“Oh, yes. You mean the one about the woman in the trailer park?”

“Well, yes. And I shouldn’t gossip - he’s not here, is he? Good. Well, anyway, he tells me that he slept with some woman who owned a trailer park. Likely she was just renting, but you get the picture. She shows up at  _ his _ place the next morning. Turns out she’d brought her children along and everything!”

“Well, that’s something,” Missy giggled. “I shouldn’t laugh, but it’s more something I’d picture Vito doin’.”

“Oh, I could tell you anything you wanted to know about Vito, and none of it I want kept in  _ my _ memory,” April shook her head. “The first that comes to mind is when you house sat this place when he went to Europe, for  _ Viva la Bam _ ? Anyway, we went to Munich. And we sat outside this beer tent, we’re havin’ a lovely time, and Frantz stands up, and what do you know? Who was sitting opposite him? Vito.”

“Vito, yeah?” Missy pressed. “What’s the catch?”

“Well Vito hadn’t stood up to use the bathroom, until we realised he’d been… going under the table!”

“No!”

“Yes,” April nodded. “Frantz stunk all the way to the hotel, and then some. He’s a pig. I’m not surprised what’s happened to him.”

“I know it was a bit awkward during our wedding… “

“Pay it no mind,” April held up a hand. “This is a nice place, though. It needs some sprucing. Did I tell you when Bam first moved in, I painted all along the fireplace there, some lovely potted plants. Took me hours. And then, well, you know the story… you’re lookin’ at it, ha. Medieval purple goth. That kid’s wild, I don’t care to say it but, I’m glad he’s off my hands at last.”

PHIL & TIM O’CONNOR

“Good of ya to stop by,” Phil shook Tim’s hand. “Is Jessie about?”

“She’s workin’,” Tim shrugged. “That gal. Always on the job.”

“You’ll have a future to save up for, you know,” Phil opened the fridge. “I have a beer, if you want one? Ape doesn’t really like ‘em.”

“Ah, thanks. That’s better. I’m visiting for this thing Bam’s got goin’ on when he comes back to Westchester.”

“Ape told me about that,” Phil frowned. “Some band Bam signed is playing?”

“I’m just one of a list,” Tim whistled. “Skaters to show off for the camera.”

“How’s all that going?” Phil took a seat. “Take a load off.”

“Thanks. It’s not too bad. Last time I went on tour, they took us to Sydney. Me and the boys got a good look round at all the sights. Time before that, we took a van round New York scoping places. Worst I’ve ever been in behind some dumpster at a K-Mart. Course, Danny Garcia, my main man, gets the worst of my tour farts.”

“You’ll know I’m only askin’ for Jessie… “

“Eh, I do, Phil. She’ll be well looked after, whether she goes into designing or horse riding or whatever. I won’t do skateboarding all my life, though.”

“Why’s that? Bam makes a killer from it, or at least he did, when he was doing it full time. He’s not come up with another show yet, but he’s got deals and sponsorships.”

“I hear that. Nah, I reckon something I’ll get into is stand up comedy. You’ll laugh, Phil, and not at my jokes. But there’s a lot more to it than just talkin’ to a crowd, ya know? And whenever I emcee for Tampa Am, it’s just amateurs impressing their girlfriends and guys who wanna fight me.”

“Why do they wanna fight? They’ve not nothing else goin’ on in their lives, is that it? Or envy?”

“Who knows, they’re a sad bunch who’ll never amount to anything,” Tim shrugged. “Speaking of, I better gap it. Bam’s out there filmin’ and I’ve gotta put my ass to work to impress your lovely daughter.”

“She’ll be alright,” Phil smiled. “Here, I’ll walk you out. Yeah, I’ll take that, there’s a recycling bin out back.”

KATIE & SELINA

“So good to see you,” Katie air kissed. “It’s been a while.”

“Well, it has,” Selina smiled. “Oh, let me just say goodbye to Seth. I thought he was leaving. I think we’re all gathering at the barn. Missy’s bought Bam a tour bus, isn’t that crazy?”

“There’s a lot that’s crazy,” Katie frowned. “I feel like I’ve been left out of the loop.”

“Oh sweetie, not at all,” Selina squeezed Katie’s arm. “Gee’s been part of Bam’s circle forever. And you two are still going strong, right?”

“Yes, we’ve been married a couple years now,” Katie watched Selina. “Going strong. No breaks. It’s tough work, keeping  _ a marriage together _ .”

“Sorry, I didn’t hear that. I think they’re calling us in, too.”

“Never mind,” Katie sniffed. “So, Missy’s to rein Bam in, is she? Good luck to her.”

“You know, Katie. We have to think positive,” Selina nodded. “Bam is making the best of the situation. I’m sure he has a past, and hangups like the rest of us. But forgiveness is necessary to move on. I’m sure you won’t take any of what I’ve just said personally, mind.”

“Oh, no,” Katie folded her arms. “Do you see the band? I’ve heard them play before. I suppose they’ll amplify it. I’ve always hated loud noise. Yes, Gee’s always telling me. I have a pair of earplugs on my bedside table, to help with all his snoring.”


	23. X Games

JASON ELLIS & LISA

“This is the place here, isn’t it?” Lisa peered. “Do you like my new boots? I thought it better to go with a stiletto heel. Of course,  _ you’d _ never mind I wore nothing but them!”

“Easy, woman,” Jason grinned. “We’ve gotta get out to help Tim and Jessie with their bags and I can’t do it with a stiffie.”

“Oh, gross! Quick, put it away. Hi, hi!”

“I’ll check us in,” Jason shouted. “See? Nothing to hide.”

“If it were only us, I’d say something you’d clip me for,” Lisa poked out her tongue. “Never mind any brazen ideas going through your mind, we have to dump our luggage and head straight out. So the bed will  _ remain _ made.”

JASON ELLIS & TIM O’CONNOR

“You got the beer?” Tim peered. “Jason, you’re the man. You’ve gotta teach me some of that Aussie slang. Lisa, you seen Jessie?”

“She’s just popped to the ladies,” Lisa sniffed.

“You know that’s never stopped us before,” Jason grinned. “Our seats are over here, this row. Man, the ramp is huge. Look at all the cameras. I didn’t realise how much has changed since we visited the Staples Center the year before.”

“What he means is,” Lisa smiled. “And you’ll forgive me, Tim. I’ll spoil Jason’s rendition by painting a conserative portrait of what  _ actually _ happened.”

“Nah, I’ve got an imagination,” Tim smirked. “You two did it in the bogs in some sleazy bar. How d’ya like my Aussie accent?”

“Needs some work, mate,” Jason grinned. “Lisa’s fetched my heart from across the pond. How’s my poetry?”

“You didn’t even know it,” Lisa smiled. “Eyes forward, gentlemen. Danny Way’s coming on.”

LISA & TIM O’CONNOR

“I don’t know  _ how _ he survived that fall,” Lisa admitted. “You know, you can come back to our room? Yes, and tell Jessie, I know she’s fetching her scarf. I’ll meet you there.”

“Thanks,” Tim huffed. “Man these hallways are long. You know people leave their trays outside when they’re done? I’ve always thought homeless people should just do a drive by and fetch what they need.”

“I think they’d be noticed entering the lobby,” Lisa giggled. “Come in, you two. Jason’s got the beer, and if you run out, you can filch from the minibar. So, that crowd, huh?”

“Lisa doesn’t follow skateboarding,” Jason grinned. “But once I told her I’m goin’ into wrestling, she decided to work out with me.”

“Not to  _ that _ degree,” Lisa smiled. “Please, take a seat. Oh, Jessie, you need a charger? Mine’s got a weird face one. Well, we’ll wait for you. Don’t be long!”

“You chicks know nothin’ about technology,” Tim snorted.

“And you do?” Lisa stared. “Such geniuses you are. If either of you try that stunt Danny Way got up  _ again and again _ for, we’ll leave you. I can confidently speak for Jessie.”

“Can you?” Jason raised his eyebrows. “Cos she never says much to me. She’s always making goo-goo eyes at ol’ Timmo here.”

“Shut up, guys,” Tim yawned. “It’s been a long day. You’ll forgive the disrespect, I’m sure. Once I’m a couple more beers in, I’ll get nicer.”

“When Jason and I get married,” Lisa fidgeted with her ring. “It’s only a couple months away, but do you think it’s OK if I ask Jessie for a discount?”

“On what?”

“She works at the Lilypad, right? Some wedding stationery place? I like the look of the ones she sent us for Bam’s wedding… “

“Sure,” Tim nodded. “I think she’s gonna set up her own home business though.”

“From home?” Lisa peered.

“You still haven’t snapped her up yet, have you?” Jason chuckled. “I’m tellin’ ya. There’s a lot more sex when you  _ share _ a house than when you’re in Jersey and Jessie’s in Westchester. And how are you gonna do it with Ape and Phil down the hall?”

“Oh, guys. You’ve gotta let up,” Tim glanced. “Shit, sorry Jessie. I forgot I took your charger. Yeah, yeah, I know. If you want, you can call your mom on mine. I’ve got minutes.”

“Smooth talkin’,” Jason smirked to Lisa. “Minutes, eh? That’s the life.”


	24. Rehab

MISSY & MARIAN ROTHSTEIN

“I just didn’t know what to do,” Missy shook her head. “I’ve spoken to Ape. Well, I’ve spoken to the lot of them. Bam’s there now.”

“It’s not your fault,” Marian patted Missy’s hand. “You know, he’s probably under a lot of pressure. I’m sure the fame isn’t as perfect as it works out to be. But you have to be strong, for his sake.”

“Sometimes I get it,” Missy whispered. “Sometimes I  _ understand _ why she left. The house is chaos without Ape and Phil there. Even Jessie’s always in Jersey with that skateboarder. And Jess can’t talk him ‘round, and he’s on tour with some other band he’s joined… “

“It’s not your fault,” Marian repeated. “How many times do I have to say it? Men will get up to all sort of trouble. Bam’s fame only magnifies that. People will want to scrutinise his life.”

“It’s not like he’s cheating,” Missy shook her head. “And why he should be unhappy, God only knows. He has enough in the bank, thanks to Phil looking out for his investments. He’s got parents who love him - god,  _ I _ love him! - and all he has to do is give up this jackass crap and just skateboard for the rest of his life.”

“Are you thinking about the future?”

“Yes, I took a drive to Paoli the other fortnight. No, just to check everything’s, well, working. I mean, now’s obviously not the time. But I’m almost thirty, mom.”

“I remained fertile for a long while, don’t you worry,” Marian sighed. “I had you girls, didn’t I? And I don’t mind tooting my horn to say I look good for my age, don’t I?”

APRIL & PHIL

“We’ll see what happens,” April sniffed. “Let me just put my keys and my handbag down and I’ll rustle somethin’ up. I’m starvin’. I don’t know how Bam’ll do in there.”

“He’ll be fine,” Phil scratched his neck. “It’s worth a pretty penny to put him up in there. They have the best facilities, I’m sure.”

“Bam can’t sit still, Phil,” April tied on an apron. “I don’t know about you, but he can’t just sit and do a jigsaw. He’d flip the board, and you remember Jessie’s face? It was a lovely picture of a park by a lake. Swans, ducks. That reminds me, my pattern in the mail didn’t show up today… “

“Hanna said he got some of our mail,” Phil shrugged. “I’ll ask him later.”

“Thanks. Can you hand me that - thank you. It won’t be long, I just need to adjust the stove top. The lacquer’s wearing off where the numbers on the dial ought to be. And my prescription is wearing off. That’s another bill… “

“We’re good for money, Ape. We’ve scrimped and saved,” Phil fidgeted. “I don’t want you to worry. We’ve spent long enough workin’ our way up to relax a little.”

TIM O’CONNOR & DANNY GARCIA

“Welcome to my crib,” Tim shook Danny’s hand. “Figured what with you bein’ a bro for life, you should see where I’m layin’ down tracks once in a while. Yo, Jessie! Can you chuck us some beers? Come into the living room. No, she’s always like that. Chances are she’ll take one out to the pool and drink it herself just to prove a point.”

“Good high ceilings,” Danny nodded. “It’s a bit spartan.”

“Jessie’s got some ideas about that,” Tim crashed on the sofa. “Try the lazyboy, I got it new. Yeah, she has some plans for redecorating. It’ll look lived in when she’s done with it.”

“Are you two moving in together sometime?” Danny glanced around. “It’s a nice place, quiet road. Good to bring up kids. You could write a novel.”

“Maybe you,” Tim chuckled. “Nah, once she’s got this business set up from home, we’ll know for sure. She’s already got a key and a set of drawers, so of course all her shit’s in my bathroom and there’s a set of towels I’m not allowed to use.”

“That’s cohabitation, my friend,” Danny smiled. “Once you get over that infatuation, it’ll hit you like a lightning bolt.”

“What, love?”

“Nah, the realisation you’ve gotta work to keep it up. You’ve gotta feed it like a plant. Not too much, not too little.”

“You a Yoda on this subject, Garcia? Didn’t peg you for a philosopher. Aren’t you single, man?”

“I’m well versed,” Danny shrugged. “You break up with someone you care about, you sit back and learn a lot.”

“Learnin’s dangerous,” Tim glanced up. “I see her outside. Don’t take it personally, pal. I mean, you’ve met her before, but she’s got a lot on her plate, otherwise she’d come and say hi.”

“Oh, no I understand,” Danny fidgeted. “Nothing too serious, I hope.”

“Oh, not between us,” Tim shrugged. “But between you and me, you hear? Her brother’s been on the bottle. You know, had to go to hospital. I think she thought he’d slow down, but he’s only gettin’ worse.”

“That sucks,” Danny nodded. “You know, you don’t need to tell me to keep it on the down low. We’ve been friends this long.”

“Ah, that’s part of the problem - mine, not yours - I’m always offendin’ people. You see this pillow at the end of the sofa? Yeah, it’s not always bliss, but to talk like you, it’s not always supposed to be, is it?”


	25. Jackass 3D

APRIL & JESS

“I’m just tellin’ ya, I wouldn’t be paid any amount of money to be in that porta potty,” April shivered. “Seeing it in person was enough. Seeing it on the screen just  _ reminded _ me of what Steve-O will put himself through.”

“You know, I think they shot one - or made it look like - where Jessica Simpson went in there, or Britney Spears, or some shit.”

“Language, Jess! Now you must tell me. Is Kelly interested in openin’ a store with me? I’m thinking of asking your grandma, now that grandpa’s gone. She’ll need something to do. Bam told me she should just sit in her rocker chair and sew. He’d consign us all to the nunnery if he could!”

“Not likely,” Jess chuckled. “Him and Missy are still goin’ strong.”

“Ah, well - you’ve not been there to see - let’s not talk about that,” April glanced. “There’s Bam. We’ll meet you there! Well, I can tell you, I didn’t go to the after party for the second movie, I’m not goin’ to the third. Is Phil still in the bathroom? Well, if he overhears, it’s fine with me.”

“You seem anxious, Mom.”

“I’ve been anxious since the day I had three children,” April sighed. “I’m sure I’ve forgotten something. We fly out  _ tomorrow _ and it doesn’t hurt to do a little shopping. But it’s finding it all that’s the matter. You know, I think Jessie’s got some of my bags. Not that she’d wear anything I brought! You wouldn’t think that dress she wore tonight was from an op shop, would you? No, not to the premiere. What she changed into  _ after _ . I think she’s gone to run a bath.”

“Mom, I know it’s got you shaken up,” Jess stared. “I don’t wanna be hard on you. But Bam’s got his own life and he’s still stressing you out.”

“Jess, you have kids. Once they grow up, you’ll know exactly how I feel,” April breathed. “At their age, all you’re concerned with is making sure they don’t fall out of the cot and they don’t lick their fingers and put them in sockets. Trust me. Once they’re teenagers, you’ll wish all they did all day was roll around on the carpet watching  _ Teletubbies _ .”

“That brings me back,” Jess chuckled. “Those were the days. Only school work and gettin’ a swirlie for bein’ a freshman.”

“I hope you weren’t pranked much,” April smiled.

“Not by the other kids so much,” Jess shrugged. “Mainly by Bam. And nothing personal on his part, but I’m grown up now. I hope Bam can learn to do the same. It happens to everyone, right?”

“You’d think so, but look at Don Vito. Sometimes God lets the chips fall where they may.”

BAM & MISSY

“Do you really need another drink - no, that wasn’t me starting,” Missy inhaled. “Go over and see Ehren, he’s been looking your way since you arrived.”

“He’s a jerkass,” Bam belched. “It’s an after party, Miss! The last people I need to talk to are the cast. I’ve been filming with them for what’s felt like a decade. Speaking of people looking your way… “

“I’m sure it’s only because I’m with you,” Missy checked her purse. “I’ll go out for a smoke. Watch my handbag for me?”

“Just take it with ya,” Bam frowned. “Is that Hawk I see over there? Yo, Tony!”

PHIL & GLOMB

“Hey, Phil,” Glomb lifted a hand. “I saw your van in the parking lot. You back already?”

“You heard, then?” Phil stopped in the aisle. “Sorry, I’m just after a bunch o’ nails. Gotta do some improvements on the house.”

“Yeah, who could miss it?” Glomb grinned. “The premiere’s been big news. I wanna catch it when it’s out on DVD.”

“You still hear from Bam, then?”

“Haven’t seen him since the wedding, bein’ honest,” Glomb scratched his neck. “I’m lookin’ for some paint. Gotta fix up my roof. I’m not buildin’ ramps for Bam anymore, I’ve been going from town to town lookin’ for work. It’s not easy.”

“I heard something funny, Glomb. I’ll not say it’s the truth, but… “

“It’s bullshit,” Glomb frowned. “I know what you’re talkin’ about. I didn’t steal no equipment from the production company. They owed  _ me _ money. Shit’s getting sorted.”


	26. Bam's World Domination

APRIL & MISSY

“Oh, Phil, can you let her in? I’m just on the phone to Jessie,” April waved. “I won’t be one moment! Yes, I’ve got Missy at the door. Phil, can you boil the jug? Jessie, from the sounds of it you sound happy. Don’t try and pull my leg! I can tell it in your voice. And while he’s in England you can do some spring cleaning… chuck that lazy boy out for one. I’ve got to go. You too!”

“Sorry, Ape,” Missy dropped her handbag. “Here’s your tea. Phil’s bringing mine in.”

“I’ll make some room on the sofa,” April plumped cushions. “Tell me, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? And what with Bam going away for this show… “

“That’s the thing,” Missy paused. “Thanks, Phil. Ah, that’s much better.”

“I got it at a farmer’s market,” April nodded. “No, the honey, dear. I went round to the castle the other day but Brandywine Eel wouldn’t meet my eye. I couldn’t tell you what Novak was getting up to, but he kept opening and closing his bedroom door.”

“I’ve told only mom, and Jessica - my sister, that is - but things between me and Bam have hit a rocky patch. I’ll not go into details, and I know I should confide in you, but I think it’s best that we live apart.”

“You’ve moved out? Or you’re going to move out?”

“I’m staying with my grandma in Florida for a bit, then I’ll be renting somewhere. I’ll be staying in Pennsylvania, but not in Westchester. She’s not got long, so I want to spend some time with her.”

“Of course,” April’s hands shook. “I’m sorry. It’s just, I didn’t think Bam would make the same mistake twice.”

“Neither did I,” Missy shrugged. “You see this trinity ring he gave me? Sometimes it reminds me there’s three people in our relationship.”

“Is he seeing someone?”

“Maybe. I don’t know,” Missy looked away. “I don’t  _ want _ to know. But him and Novak are always spending time together. At least on this trip he’s only got Dunn and Tim.”

“Novak’s bad news,” April sighed. “He’s dragging him down.”

“But it’s not just Novak,” Missy stared. “It’s this whole thing Bam has. He acts like the world revolves around him. You know, when I went to the premiere, I chatted with Ehren’s girlfriend. She’s a nice girl, used to work for one of the talent agents. She told me some horror stories about her having to do her boss’ kids homework, or keep his affairs secret. The point is, she had to put up with all that. And I realised, Bam’s behavior isn’t his alone. There’s tons of men who think the world revolve around them, and treat others like dirt.”

“It’s a difficult world… “ April sipped her tea. “But you know, he is my son.”

Missy froze. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t go on. But I hope you can understand the depths of my pain by my opening up like this to you.”

“It’s good you have your family,” April glanced up. “But Bam will always be my little boy. Despite that, I will always help you where I can.”

“I think I’d better go,” Missy slung her handbag. “You know I work at my friend’s sign store downtown. I think I’m about to ask for longer hours, and better pay.”

“But you’re a model now, right?” April called. “It isn’t forward of me to ask that? You’ve got offers?”

“I do for now,” Missy shrugged. “Until I pull the plug… “

“Things aren’t as bad as that, dear,” April raised her eyebrows. “You’ll have plenty of support, and you’ll make your way through. If  _ she _ can, then you can, too.”

DUNN & TIM O’CONNOR

“How was the swim?” Dunn grinned. “Hey, look at you in your little towel. Bam gone walkabouts?”

“Little swim doesn’t cut it,” Tim’s teeth chattered. “You seen the mud pit? Felt like I was drownin’. Can’t feel my balls.”

“Well I’m not offerin’ to find them,” Dunn raised his eyebrows. “You got a lighter? Figure you can trek back into those fire pits?”

“Fuck off,” Tim shivered. “You quit at the sound of the starter pistol.”

“And with good reason,” Dunn chuckled. “Look at you! Come this way, they’ve got hot chocolate and we can order us a hotel suite.”

“You, maybe. I’m figuring on living in a bath.”

“Not with any pills, I hope? You’ll sink to the bottom. Ah, there’s a cameraman. Hey, do you have a lighter? Thanks,” Dunn took a drag. “It’s kinda chilly over the pond, isn’t it?”

“That’s as much exercise as I’m ever doin’,” Tim took a mug. “God, I wanna bathe in this stuff. I’ll order a vat and pour it in the tub.”

“What if the ensuite’s only got a shower?”

“Then I’m filling the drain with gutter babies,” Tim grinned. “You shoulda seen Jessie’s face when I took her to meet the ones in the bathroom back home. Hey, it was their anniversary!”

“It’s your grave your diggin’,” Dunn shook his head. “How’d she react?”

“I got the task of cleanin’ it for as long we’re together,” Tim paused. “Man, I’m whacked. You know, call me crazy - “

“I always have and I always will, Tim.”

“That’s got me thinkin,” Tim turned. “I reckon it’s time. I’ve gotta bring her over the back of my horse and ride home.”

“You’ll get no argument from Phil or Ape,” Dunn smirked. “But what about Bam?”

BAM & DUNN

“You’re sayin’ she has a boyfriend?” Dunn glanced over. “Why’d you have to ask the flight attendant to move our seats? I was sittin’ next to this chick with huge tits.”

“Yeah, she offered me to join the mile high club,” Bam smirked. “Champagne, please. Nothin’ for this dickwad here. What Missy does is her own concern.”

“You know it, or you think it?”

“She probably doesn’t,” Bam shrugged. “But she knows I’ve got a piece or two on the side. She wants to go to her mom’s, or some bullshit. It’s Jenn all over again.”

“Except you hope she doesn’t destroy your stuff,” Dunn raised his eyebrows. “You know, bein’ honest. You treated Jenn worse than you did Missy. But you’re married, Bam.”

“Things can change,” Bam frowned. “Don’t give me that face. Don’t pretend you’re disappointed. She knew the deal. I’m famous, aren’t I?”

“Jenn was with you before all that. So was I, and Raab and Dico… “

“Screw them. You know what went down with them. I even once thought Jenn and Raab had something goin’ on… not that she needed any more reason for a kick to the curb.”

“Bam - “

“I don’t wanna talk anymore. Hand me my earphones,” Bam adjusted his seat. “There’s the flight attendant. Bring on the booze.”

“Rehab didn’t help you a bit, did it?”

“Ah, that’s the spot. Nope, not a bit. You’ve gotta live, Dunn. There’s only one life. And if I go out in flames, it’ll be with a bang and fireworks and a fart.”

“You disgust me,” Dunn looked out the window.


	27. Westchester

DUNN & TIM O’CONNOR

“I can’t hear ya,” Dunn shouted. “One sec. I’ll go outside. Nah, I’m at my local. Beers are cheaper, you know how it is.”

“You famous nobody,” Tim chuckled. “I’m gettin’ a slap for that, aren’t I? Where are ya, Rex’s?”

“You know they took the trough urinals out of the men’s room,” Dunn lit up. “I just got a funny look from a guy walkin’ past, perhaps he’s interested. But things are a-changin’.”

“Never change, Dunn. I’ve got some old change in my wallet I picked out of a urinal.”

“You’re all class,” Dunn snickered. “Hey, I’ve got your wife here, by the way.”

“Fuck, man. She didn’t hear you, did she?”

“She came down with her uncle Shitbird, he’s just leavin’,” Dunn waved. “I figure I’ll see how much of a bar tab she’s got, go all in. You never know.”

“You leave her alone,” Tim grinned. “I’ve got the ring, some relic from my mom. I’ve gotta travel from Jersey, my beat up car’s gonna be weighed down all the way.”

“You’ll cope, it’s only an hour’s drive.”

“You know her better than me at this moment,” Tim breathed. “You think she’ll say yes? Phil and Ape know, but Bam can’t keep a secret worth his life.”

“Hey, she could be on her period tomorrow,” Dunn shrugged. “When you thinking o’ telling her?”

“I won’t tell that woman anything,” Tim chuckled. “Only askin’ to take this poor schlub in heart and home.”

“Well, good luck,” Dunn dropped his cigarette. “I better go back in. It’s cold and I need more beer to warm me up.”

“Don’t let her stay out too late,” Tim warned. “And if some idiot hits on her, let it play out. She’s got a mean right hook, she’ll slam him across the counter. Jason could give her a few pointers.”

“Who?”

“Ellis, Jason Ellis. He’s into wrestling. He came to Mardi Gras all those years back.”

APRIL & PHIL

“Phil, can you get that phone?” April blinked. “What time is it? I can’t believe it, if it’s some little kid asking me where Bam lives… I swear. No, stay there. I’ll get it.”

“You don’t need your dressing gown, Ape.”

“I didn’t pull the curtains downstairs,” April rubbed her temple. “Oh, and we need to get these stairs fixed. I’m sure they’ve never recovered from when Bam rode a sled down here. Oh, yes, yes, just a minute - oh, my back hurts - hello? Who is this?”

“The mattress seems better,” Phil got up. “Oh, I hope it’s not Bam. Ape! Who is it? I dunno what she means, the stairs are just fine… Ape? Ape, what’s the matter?”

BAM & PHIL

“Yo, it’s my mom,” Bam grinned. “Shove off, it’s probably early morning over there. Yo, what’s up?”

“Bam,” Phil cleared his throat. “Where are ya?”

“Some dingy bar in Arizona,” Bam waved. “What are you doing up?”

“Can you, uh, sit down,” Phil paused. “Yeah, I’ll wait.”

“What’s all this about, Phil?”

“Uh, I dunno how to say this,” Phil breathed. “Your mother’s - well, she can’t talk right now.”

“Just get it over with,” Bam rolled his eyes. “Wait. Is it Pop-Pop? Is that why you’re callin’?”

“No, uh. Just gimme a moment. I gotta - I gotta blow my nose.”

“Phil!”

“Sorry. Yeah, uh.”

“It is Pop-Pop?”

“No. Well, you see, I gotta call from the police.”

“Did someone break into the castle?”

“They rang and told your mother - is that right, Ape? - they told her, there was a crash involving Dunn’s Porsche. The other driver barely made it. Bam?”

“And Dunn?”

“Hold up, Bam - “

“Dunn?”

“He’s lookin’ like he’ll need a neck brace. The air bags, they uh, worked. In his case.”

“Well, that’s good,” Bam breathed. “Jesus fuck, Phil. A neck brace! Well thank fuck - “

“They had a guy in the back seat, he’s pretty bruised up too, but he’ll be alright.”

“Well, good for him,” Bam sniffed. “Fuck, I’ll have to call Dunn. What hospital’s he at?”

“Bam, Dunn was in the front passenger.”

“Yeah. So what?”

“Turns out he was comin’ from a bar, he and the other guy had been drinkin’. He wanted to drive but - but he didn’t. Bam, Jessie was at that bar. She offered to be the sober driver.”

“She’s alright, though?” Bam paused. “Phil. You - you just said Dunn had airbags.”

“He did,” Phil inhaled. “And they should’ve worked for her. But they uh - your mum - I’ll hand you over.”


	28. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**

MISSY & DUNN

“I can’t believe the nerve of them,” Missy shook her head. “God, I need a cigarette. They’re vultures, filming him!”

“Come along, get away from the debris. Look at the flowers,” Dunn nodded. “Man, this thing itches. Bam’ll need your - our - help to get him to the service.”

MATT ‘SHITBIRD’ COLE & JASON ELLIS

“Man, it kicks you in the gut,” Matt shook his head. “I need a stiff drink. I won’t be goin’ back to that bar on my life.”

“I’ve gotta go see my boy O’Connor,” Jason clapped him on the back. “He's sittin' in the front row with the Margeras."

KATIE & LISA

“We haven’t met,” Lisa offered her hand. “Please, I have some tissues. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you,” Katie sniffed. “You know, I’ve always liked her. She seemed so fearless. She always did what she wanted. And Tim - oh! - to look at him now. It feels like there’s acid in my gut. I could barely dress myself this morning. Sorry, how do you know - I mean, did - oh, sorry!”

“I’m Jason’s girlfriend,” Lisa pointed.

HANNA & JESSICA ROTHSTEIN

“I’m Mark,” Hanna waved. “But everyone - “

“Sorry,” Jessica sniffed. “That’s better. No, I have my own, thank you.”

“Dunno what to say,” Hanna fidgeted. “Well, I grew up next door. Took her to prom. You - well, you met her, right?”

“She was one of the bridesmaids,” Jessica nodded. “She was with us for the filming of Missy’s wedding. Oh, God. There I go again.”

JENN & RAAB

“You go to the service?” Raab signaled the bartender. “Nah, me neither.”

“Would’ve done,” Jenn sloshed her glass. “But with - with Bam there, it wouldn’t have gone down well.”

“Same here,” Raab took a swig. “She didn’t really talk to me much.”

“She opened up a little,” Jenn shrugged. “I could see she had eyes for Tim from the beginning. I have no clue how he’ll cope, or Ape and Phil, or Bam… Jess… “

“It’s selfish to say it,” Raab belched. “Excuse me. But I’ve gotta say it. It was a lucky miss for Dunn.”

“It’s not selfish,” Jenn squeezed his hand. “And you believe me, he’ll have survivor’s guilt. Wasn’t there someone in the back, too?”

“I should feel sadder, right?” Raab glanced. “We saw each other but we didn’t really _talk_.”

“Don’t punish yourself,” Jenn nodded. “It’ll come in waves. And when it hits, Raab - Chris - don’t go to the booze. Please don’t. I’ve seen what happens.”

“To Bam?”

“Just promise me,” Jenn squeezed his hand.

“For you, I’ll do it,” Raab set his beer down. “And for her.”

Jenn felt her smile fade. Raab glanced at the TV above the bar.


End file.
